Water Cooler Briefing: The State of the Union Address

Obama’s attempt at a victory lap was more like one of those drunken crawls where you have to hold on to the grass so you don’t fall off the...
Photo via: cnn.com

Obama’s attempt at a victory lap was more like one of those drunken crawls where you have to hold on to the grass so you don’t fall off the earth. It was incoherent and didn’t really say much. The State of the Union is the single biggest display of diarrhea of the mouth known to man, spewing fluff and assorted bullshit from deep within the bowels of the sitting president. Essentially the president plays just the tip with every topic EVER for roughly an hour.

Obama spit out buzzword after buzzword, including but not limited to: equal pay, gun rights, heroine addiction and wealth inequality, all interspersed with political jargon. He did his best to cast a wide net by appealing to geriatrics, Mexicans and bankers within roughly 4 seconds and quoted other presidents to sound regal. It’s basically like a Tinder date on steroids.

The scene is a good old fashioned DC dick measuring contest where the president surrounds himself with the most righteous and empathy-inducing people he can: a Syrian refugee, nuns, gun violence victims and a ton of minorities. Otherwise, it’s a game of how many old white guys we can put in one room,

Since it was mostly a terrible waste of time, I’ll give you the highlights so you can be the smartest guy at the water cooler:

From here on out, I will “paraphrase” Obama’s words in bold italics. My comments will be in run of the mill font.

Obama focused on four major points:

  1. Fair shot at opportunity for all
  2. Having Technology work for us and not against us. I imagine he’s talking about “I, Robot”
  3. We are not the world police. “America, fuck yea.”
  4. Politics reflects what’s best in us, not the worst in us 

 

  • Obama humblebragged that he solved worst economic crisis in the history of the world, reformed healthcare, brought troops home, and … gay rights
  • Joe Biden steals the show by being all … Joe Biden:
  • SOTU Joe BidenSome Really good ideas that will never come to fruition. Ahh, the American dream
  • Close ups on Bernie Sanders liver spots and Paul Ryan’s widows peak
  • Obama says we’re going back back to the fucking moon 
  • I’m pretty sure Obama promised to cure cancer and tasked Joe Biden to do it. If I was cancer I wouldn’t mess with him
  • Fuck carbon monoxide
  • We’re literally better than every country ever
  • The president reminds us about gas under $2 a gallon. Way to reach the middle America monster truck rally crowd
  • America is the most powerful nation on earth. It’s not even close. Cue the ‘Merica boners
  • I guess we call them ISIL now? Is that official?
  • Your move Congress. Obama challenges congress to vote to fight ISIL 
  • Obama channels his inner Putin and challenges you to ask Osama Bin Laden if it pays to terrorize. The answer appears to be no
  • We learned our lesson. We shouldn’t just try to take over countries. See: Vietnam and Iraq. Eat shit George Bush.
  • Obama claims to have solved Ebola. In other news, Al gore created the Internet
  • More fear-mongering fluff
  • Obama is going to solve AIDS and malaria. No word on STIs
  • I will shutdown Guantanamo Bay. Said candidate Obama in 2007 (and in the 2016 SOTU)
  • Insert random republican candidate jab. I’m looking at you, Muslim hating Donald Trump
  • Hope
  • Kim Davis’ favorite cat sweater must have been at the dry cleaners
  • We need to clean up politics and make it easier to vote. Diddy will be rebooting the Vote or Die campaign
  • Takes cheap political shots that go over my head. See: actual political website.

Full disclosure, it got incredibly boring by this point and I stopped paying attention.SOTU Ginsberg

  • Ends on a high note, by basically naming every single demographic in the US and calling them Americans. 
  • Optimism
  • Clearly missing from the discussion were gun violence and the Iranian held sailors (who have since been freed by Iran)
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