Like a post-apocalyptic, Alaskan zombie, Sarah Palin clawed her way out of the grave of irrelevance into the spotlight of mainstream pop culture this week. This self proclaimed “mama bear” phoenix has risen from the ashes of the failed McCain campaign to thump her bible and drink her tea from the bladder of a moose she slayed with her American made rifle that she bought while reciting the second amendment. And last week she reminded us that she is still more relevant than just being a candidate for president of the NRA when she endorsed Donald Trump for president. In related news, John Wayne, the Native American slaying, Hollywood heavyweight who called even non-Separatists, “Pilgrim”, posthumously endorsed Trump. SMH, America.
It’s no surprise that a PTA mom turned VP candidate whose colloquial catchphrase was “you betchya” would endorse a reality TV star. A TV star who will assuredly bring on the End Time as he screams “you’re fired” at leaders of BRIC nations, while launching a tomahawk cruise missile equipped with nuclear war heads at their respective capitals. Of course, the former governor will be no stranger to the nuclear holocaust the world will devolve into as she ruled over a barren frontier state that’s biggest export is “The Deadliest Catch.” Or if that doesn’t make you believe the Tina Fey doppelganger is off her rocker: she worked for Fox News. Since her resignation as governor she has been campaigning for borderline schizophrenic republican candidates, hosting her own TV show (not to be confused with a pornographic film based loosely on her life called “Nailin Palin”) and overseeing her dysfunctional clan of Alaskan kin. So basically shes Rush Limbaugh. Minus the porn (… I hope).
But now what, how else can she ruin our lives? She gave her stamp of approval to the fair haired billionaire presidential candidate, but so have countless other Brandon Dassey types who prefer gun ranges to the driving range and blue collars to the white variety.
What does her endorsement mean? “You betchya” is more like “you might” get elected if Palin endorses you. According to Politico, once the darling of the republican ball, Palin is no more than a common lady of the night making her self available at a cheap gentlemen’s cabaret. AKA, her endorsement hasn’t carried much weight as of late, only helping about 50% of the candidates she supports win election. Instead of politicians, in what can only be described as a concerning trend, candidates jockey to stock their pop culture war chests with the likes of the guy from Duck Dynasty and Larry the Cable guy of comedy (and Prilosec OTC) fame. You need to remember we live in a country that has elected a Hollywood action star who once played a cop going undercover as a kindergarten teacher and a former professional wrestler.
Could she be a Vice President candidate? This may come a surprise to some of you, but Donald Trump is a fucking lunatic. Like the kinda guy who calls Kim Jong Un a ‘genius’ and has rallies that resemble Apollo’s intro in Rocky 4 vs Drago (think James Brown singing pro-American tunes*). And look how that turned out. So could Palin technically be one mortal man’s death away from being president? Yes she could. Realistically it’s too soon to tell, but Trump has already hinted at a spot in his administration for Palin and never said he wouldn’t consider her. He’s only said he hasn’t considered anyone, meaning everyone is in the running, including but not limited to actual, human people. With her bevy of obligations, including bailing her kids out of jail and firing rifles in the general direction of Putin and the dirty Russians it seems unlikely Palin would have time to run. And it would likely spell a political PR nightmare for Trump who probably needs a more norm-core running mate to quell concerns of him being off his rocker.
So I’ve got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that Sarah Palin’s endorsement doesn’t carry a whole lot of weight any more. Thank god. The bad news is that you’ll have to listen to this crossover political/pop culture enigma stumping for a man only slightly more adept than her at running a country. God help us all.