#FirstWorldExpenses: What SHOULD you spend your money on?

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Every one talks about what not to spend money on. Save your sheckles they tell you. You don’t need that they say. There are places to cut corners and then there are places to “ball outrageous” as the average middle-class, white, mid-2000’s Slim Shady fan base would say. And here they are in all their expendable income glory …

Meat. Right now you’re probably eating the Honda Civic of steaks. Even the priciest cuts at your local food mart are a Lexus at best. You my friend deserve a Porsche. Once you go from eating grade A dog food to what 1 percenters call lunch on a Tuesday, you won’t be going back. Fresh cut meat from a local butcher will satisfy the animal inside you and put hair on your chest quicker than 21 year old scotch.

Cleaning lady. Having a Consuela to your Peter Griffin is priceless. This English as a second language, first-gen immigrant will bring your house from Oscar to Felix (god that’s an old reference) for the price of roughly 15 minutes of cube monkey work. So in the time it takes you to poop at work, you’ve earned enough money to allow a complete stranger to wash and fold your undergarments, throw out used condoms and scrub your cesspool of a toilet. A small price to pay for feeling like a king.

Non-stop flights. Tell me anything that’s worse than missing your connecting flight in the Cleveland airport where the only thing to eat is 3 day old Cinnabon. Ok, maybe living in Cleveland. Typically, for roughly 20-30% more you can guarantee that you won’t have to live like Tom Hanks in Terminal. For a mere 100 or so bones, you will get to your destination sooner, with less chance of settling for Chipotle and having norovirus massacre your insides for 7-10 days.

Premium cable. Premium cable has become as prevalent as having an HDTV. Like watching on a non-HDTV, if you aren’t watching premium cable, is there even a point in watching? You can go ahead and cancel that cable subscription now because once you catch a glimpse of Narcos, Game of Thrones and the NSFW material they can show, you will not be tuning in using bunny ears anytime soon.

Wet wipes. These direct descendants of moist towelettes never cease to amaze me. I’m not saying moist towelettes feel like an angel is tossing your salad every time you wipe, but I’m not saying it doesn’t. The health benefits far outweigh the cost and even Dr. Oz publicly shames the hemorrhoid inducing sandpaper that is generic TP.

Dry cleaning. For roughly the cost of a slice of drunken pizza, you can have your shirt cleaned, ironed and delivered to your doorstep. Typically Asian and always hard to understand, dry cleaners are able to fix even the most disastrous of fabric mishaps with a chemical warfare arsenal that would make Saddam Hussein blush.

IMAX. You’re already spending $97 on snacks at a showing of Mad Max Fury Road, so why not see it in a theater that causes PTSD for the low introductory cost of your first born child? IMAX theaters are a game changer in the way peanut butter and jelly in the same jar, are: not necessary but definitely appreciated.

Knives. Sure you have your Cutco set, along with your next closest 6 of kin, but it’s time to go big or go home. If you’re making Barney Rubble steak, you better have not bring a Barosaurus knife to a Stegosaurus dinner. If you’re having trouble justifying this purchase just think about the home security advantages of a sharp knife set: a dull, flacid blade will just wound and piss off the would-be bandits, but a knife that can hack a penny in half is sure to deliver a death blow

Luggage. Get rid of that multipurpose gym bag. Nike didn’t go into the luggage business for a reason. You don’t need Tumi but for Christ’s sake, 6 year old kids have nicer “Frozen” rolling bags than you.

Gmail. Ok, so this is free, but this is more of a pet peeve. Don’t be an asshole. And DON’T use Hotmail. It’s like buying a suit at Kmart.

So go on, drink that sewer water coffee from the bodega, eat GMO chicken and rock that IKEA furniture … but only if your grandma didn’t offer you any of her plastic covered pull out sofas. I encourage you to drive your ’94 Civic LX with the aftermarket subwoofer that rattles in the back to TJ Maxx to buy 2013 fashion with money you changed in at Coinstar. But NEVER, EVER skimp on the essentials to making yourself feel like a king in your subsidized 450 square foot apartment.