For all you Reveler’s born post-H.W Bush’s first administration, the O.J. Simpson chase and trial was like “Making a Murderer” IRL. The chase alone had more viewers (95 million) than Kim K’s sex tape and Instagram account combined. Mind you, this was before Twitter, when viral meant your infection wasn’t bacterial and”Blockbuster and hang” was how you got to 2nd base. The ensuing trial was must watch TV and caused more than one awkward heated debate between your liberal uncle and the one who fought in ‘Nam and still sings the pledge of allegiance every morning. It ruined lives, made a celebrity out of a hapless waiter and set in motion something arguably worse than the “unsolved” crime itself: the Kardashians.
The case had everything: divisive racial overtones, celebrity status and it “broke” the internet before Al Gore even built it. It’s actually a surprise it took FX or any network so long to monetize this social phenomenon. So in typical distasteful fashion, we are going to run a NFL style combine to provide the definitive Power Ranking of every player in the O.J. Simpson case as they were portrayed in real life and in the upcoming FX miniseries:
First two out:
A.C. COWLINGS, PLAYED BY MALCOLM-JAMAL WARNER. I’m not going to lie, this guy gets the nod simply for being the only person I know named A.C. who isn’t Slater.
NICOLE BROWN SIMPSON/RON GOLDMAN. If you look up “wrong place, wrong” time, there will be a picture of Ron Goldman. Like an episode of “Cheaters” gone wrong, these two ended up with “Colombian necklaces” courtesy of ‘Juice’. However, I imagine the casting calls for characters killed off in the first few minutes of a 10 hour mini-series were’t exactly bursting at the scenes.
The top 10:
10. KRIS JENNER, PLAYED BY SELMA BLAIR.
Let’s be honest, the Kardashian matriarch only made the cut for this miniseries due to a longstanding loophole in the transitive property and a rapper best known for being Brandy’s little brother. Had her daughter not been defiled by the JV rapper, Ray J, Kris would just be be the ex-wife of a famous lawyer who turned an American hero into a woman. She should be on trial, not OJ.
9. O.J. SIMPSON, PLAYED BY CUBA GOODING, JR. There’s something to be said for being the most famous un-convicted murderer of the century. His name and image has become synonymous with murder and “OJ-ing” (Urban Dictionary Definition: (v.) Playing the race card, legal gray areas and loopholes to escape conviction for a crime that you obviously commited) was cool with the kids way before Tebowing. Winning a Heisman, escaping jail more eloquently than El Chapo and making the Ford Bronco cool should bolster Oranthal’s case for a better ranking, right? Even being played by one of the greatest actors of our generation can’t help us overlook his current role as prison shower-bitch.
8. FAYE RESNICK, PLAYED BY CONNIE BRITTON. The Paris Hilton of her day is most famous for her “spread” in Playboy and is renowned for making even Charlie Sheen jealous of her cocaine habit. Said cocaine addiction was part of the defenses plot to put another murderer at the scene; this woman’s drug dealer to be exact. So just to recap, Faye made cocaine cooler than Rick James, her drug dealer possibly (read: did not) killed her best friend and to put an exclamation point on this extraordinary life, she landed on a Real Housewives Show. Living the American dream, Faye.
7. LANCE ITO, PLAYED BY KENNETH CHOI.
I guess Ken Jeong was too busy filming ‘Hangover 5’ to fill this role?
6. CHRISTOPHER DARDEN, PLAYED BY STERLING K. BROWN. This is the kinda guy who comes to mind when you think to your self loathing self, “it could be worse.” The highlight of the man’s life is asking arguably a first-ballot All-Murder Squad Hall of Famer to try on a bloody glove that doesn’t fit him and subsequently losing the most famous murder case EVER as part of the prosecution. Of course he has written a book and talked about the Casey Anthony case on CNN, but he is most well known for making Coke-bottle glasses cool and looking like a mix of Darius Rucker and one of those black televangelists from a southern singing church. You had one job, Christopher.
5. ROBERT SHAPIRO, PLAYED BY JOHN TRAVOLTA. Here’s a fun fact: Robert Shapiro parlayed his part in the biggest ‘W’ of OJ’s career into successful entrepreneurial endeavors. Shapiro has proven to be as agile in the Shark Tank as he is in the courtroom, having launched LegalZoom and ShoeDazzle. So, you can thank Mr. Shapiro, Esq. for the colossal amount of debt your future wife racks up on ShoeDazzle, forcing you to file bankruptcy via LegalZoom. Being played by a man with similar facial reconstruction habits (and sexual preferences) as Caitlyn Jenner has to be a low blow for a member of OJ’s Dream Team.
4. ROBERT KARDASHIAN, PLAYED BY DAVID SCHWIMMER.
You can’t help but feel for Kanye West’s father-in-law. Not long after his death, his family rose to fame because of his daughter’s fellating abilities. Since then, the “klan” to which he lends his namesake has nearly killed an ex-NBA player, turned a man into a woman and ruined countless music and sports careers. And how do they pay him back? By having a typecast 90’s sitcom star portray him on the small screen. Ross Geller did not age well.
3. MARCIA CLARK, PLAYED BY SARAH PAULSON. Being the biggest loser of the “trial of the century” has turned out pretty well for Marcia Clark, the Prosecutor who looked like your 4th grade teacher, shoulder pads, pant-suit and all. She got the last laugh since O.J. is in a state penitentiary trying not to drop the soap, she made $4 million off of the book she wrote about the trial and made herself over to look less like she belongs on the Manitowac County prosecution team. Marcia Clark was the “career-first PTA mom” before Hillary made it cool.
2. JOHNNIE COCHRAN, PLAYED BY COURTNEY B. VANCE. Power moves (and power ties) only for this guy. Need I say more …
1. KATO KAELIN, PLAYED BY BILLY MAGNUSSEN.
Take one dash Keanu Reeves, two parts Fabio and a sprinkle of Spicolli and you’ll get Kato Kaelin. He was mocked during and after the trial for being a freeloading buffoon and even accused of committing the murder, but he got the last laugh: he has found more success on reality TV than “Mike the Miz.” There is also a good chance he was banging Nicole Simpson, which is wayyyy out-kicking his coverage … plus he didn’t get murdered for doing it. And those faces, though.