This Week’s “That Guy”: Martin Shkreli (aka “Pharma Bro”)

What has been developing over the past year and will inevitably end up as a Lifetime movie aptly titled “Wolf of Walgreen’s” culminated in a shitshow of a congressional hearing last week. Akin to Michael Corleone’s inquest, Martin Shkreli made a mockery of our legislative branch by doing his best Dave Chappelle impression, repeatedly pleading the “fif”. As he sat in front of our countries law making body, he came just short of emulating masturbatory motions, flipping them the metaphorical bird with his flippant disregard and childish facial expressions. CSPAN ranks his miniscule amount of fucks given and unparalleled use of deflection ahead of even Mark McGwire’s infamous steroid inquiry.

If Shkreli’s’ rope-a-dope act was his “dipping, dodging, ducking, diving and … dodging” of Congress’ questions, the sucker punch that brought him to fame was his company’s purchase and subsequent 5000% increase of a life saving prescription drug. But this textbook case of price gouging was just the first chapter of the “Douchebag Gospel According to Martin.” What he lacks in morals, he makes up for in an unequivocal set of testicles and an unwavering devotion to the C.R.E.A.M. (Cash Rules Everything Around Me, for all you honkey’s keeping score at home) school of thought. His lack of regard for human life would make Kevin Harlan proud, but outraged much of America. So much so that someone with a higher emotional IQ within his firm convinced him to gouge HIV victims less. But in Jordan Belfort fashion, the Voldermort of Capitalism decided to maintain the inflated price tag in what can only be described as a power move that would make Donald Trump’s knees quiver. He even had the audacity to claim pseudo-economic theory proves that his price increase made the drug equally, if not more readily available – thus confusing, and pissing off the American populous more.

Playing the role of villain, the Emperor of Rx was dubbed “pharma bro” for his bombastic actions, oozing swag and his general “white-ness.” For the record, the “bro” delegation is not giving asylum to Shkreli. He was undoubtedly beat up in high school, led the college Dungeon’s and Dragon’s team to a National Championship and is guilty of looking for love on the McDonald’s of the dating sites, OkCupid. This prescription poindexter embodies the suburban middle class white kid who broadcasts YouTube videos from the dark lair in his parents basement when he isn’t busy not getting laid. And the only thing more white than washing down pizza bagels with Sunny D is angstly pissing your parents off with loud, unedited rap music. So it’s no surprise that this epitome of white privilege would buy a $2 million Wu Tang CD then start a beef with a former gang member, Ghostface Killah, from the security of his maximum security compound.

Aside from a rocket-propelled ascent to the top of America’s shit-list, Shkreli seems to have the anti-Midas touch; everything he encounters seemingly turning into a steaming pile of dog shit with a mile of red tape and legal repercussions wrapped around it. Despite what most American’s think, Shkreli hasn’t necessarily done anything illegal at Turning. Well, nothing that has been uncovered yet. The John Calipari of capitalism has been indicted for his role is securities fraud and a possible ponzi scheme at the hedge fund he founded. His resume of unscrupulous behavior puts him with the all-time greats. A LinkedIn profile that reads like Edward Snowden’s and Bernie Madoff’s is the stuff of Dr. Evil’s recruiting departments dreams.

America can only hope that Shkreli’s company doesn’t hold the patent to a vaccine for the Zika virus or clean running water in Flint, Michigan. But before we are so quick to judge the most hated man in America, lets allow him to be a lesson to us all: if we ever buy a $2 million Wu-Tang album, lets torrent it so all of us can listen to it illegally. So remember kids, the Wu-Tang Clan ain’t nothing to fuck with, and neither is the American justice system. So I offer you this advice mere mortals: don’t try to play God and don’t be like this week’s that guy, Martin Shkreli.

TeeTime’s Two Cents: This may come as a surprise to some of you, but Shkreli is merely a neophyte in the Frat Castle that is the Pharma Industry. AARP card-carrying white men have ruled this boy’s club for years and have “wintered” and “summered” in places you can’t pronounce because of your IBS and asthma. I’m not defending Shkreli and I’m not condoning Bernie Sanders fearlessly lead us into the throes of socialism,  but the pharmaceutical industry is like the wild west and America needs a John Wayne to tame it. Any takers?