Once you graduate college you’ve usually got a 2-3 year grace period but then it comes on like a flurry. Your friends all start getting engaged and married. I was the first in my core group of friends to get married so I feel like I knocked over the first domino (sorry guys). So now, inevitably the next step is popping out some little bundles of joy (or tax deductions as I refer to them). So what do you need to know once you find out that your wife, girlfriend, or that girl you hooked up with last month who’s in your phone as “drunk chick from the bar”, peed on a stick and got a smiley face response? That’s what I’m here for; to hold your hand through this difficult time and get you through it without slashing your wrists.
First of all, congratulations! No, not because you’re a father-to-be…although I guess I should congratulate you for that as well. But major congratulations because you’ve got strong swimmers! You’re not firing blanks! And let’s be honest – at our core that is the deepest fear of any man…not having the ability to procreate.But now that you know you CAN have kids, you’re thinking to yourself…WHAT THE FUCK AM I GOING TO DO? And probably also wishing you hadn’t been using the “pull-out” method for contraception all these years. Maybe you’re even exploring some conspiracy theories about her poking holes in the condom – and yes, she could be crazy enough to do that. So here’s my Bro guide, the real ‘what to expect when you’re expecting’ that you won’t find in any of those overpriced baby books on Amazon. **BTW, hopefully when you found out it went a little better than this…
Accept that she will hate your guts
It doesn’t’ matter if she wanted to have a baby right now or if she was completely stunned by that pee stick. Either way, you need to accept that she’s going to be miserable for a large chunk of her pregnancy and IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT. You’ll frequently hear things like: “look what you did to my body!” or just the general “you did this to me!” and it’ll get old quick. But there’s not much you can say to the woman carrying your unborn child when she’s nauseous that will make her not want to junk-punch you. *helpful hint – cute videos of babies or puppies can serve as a useful distraction in these situations
Pray you’re having a boy
Ladies don’t understand this. Most of them want to have a girl but will be equally excited if they find out they’re having a boy instead. But ask any guy in the world and 99.9% of them are praying for a boy. Why? Well, here are a couple of very obvious reasons:
- We all know how sick and perverted we were as teenage boys and we don’t want a daughter that has to be exposed to that (or worse yet a sick fuck like Peyton Manning who enjoys tea-bagging the female athletic trainer)
- When you have a daughter you now have to worry about ALL of the penises in the world, instead of just one (if you have a son)
- Having a daughter means having to deal with a teenage girl going through puberty and her period…enough said
Your wife will never fully understand your feelings on this. But trust me fellas, your impending fatherhood is stressful enough without adding this anxiety to the mix. I’m on the verge of a panic attack just thinking about the idea of having a daughter. But football season is over, so maybe it’s time we all make a trip to Sunday mass to light a candle and say a little prayer. Maybe try rubbing a lucky rabbit’s foot on your balls – I don’t know; whatever it takes. Honestly, you should be open to any and all suggestions.
If you do have a girl, you’ll inevitably have the incredibly awkward conversation with your significant other about names. I don’t know if there’s anything harder for a guy than agreeing on a girl baby name. Some names will remind you of an ex, or a slutty girl you went to college with; others will make you worried that your daughter is destined for a life as a stripper. So you end up eliminating any name that ends in an ‘I’, and of course all of those white trash names like…
Her restrictions will become YOUR restrictions
Pregnant women basically aren’t allowed to do anything fun. There are definitely conflicting ideologies on the specifics (in terms of how strict you need to abide to these rules), but in general pregnant women are supposed to: limit their caffeine intake, not eat sushi, not drink alcohol, not take pain meds…they’re basically a miserable Mormon. So guess who else is going to have a major change to their lifestyle? That’s right, you are. If you think she’s gunna be supportive of you going out drinking with your buddies every weekend while she’s suffering at home through nausea and back pain, well you’re bat-shit crazy. So say goodbye to your favorite sushi place for 9 months, because as you’ll quickly realize…you’re both going through this together. And if you don’t support her FULLY, then you’re going to have a very resentful woman at home ready to hold that over your head for the rest of your life. You don’t need that drama.
You better be on-call at all times
Her cravings will get even more random and severe as her pregnancy progresses. So you better be prepared to hit up that 24-hour Shaws or CVS because when her next bizarre craving comes a calling, it’s gunna be your ass heading over there to find some double-stuffed Oreos, or pickles, or whatever the hell she wants at that exact moment. Thankfully for all men, in this day and age it’s a lot easier to get whatever you want to eat delivered right to your doorstep. The only problem is that pregnancy will turn your sane, loving partner into a chaotic tornado of hormones. So there’s no planning ahead…she will go from normal to starving in literally two seconds and if you don’t get her food immediately you need to run for the hills.
She will pee more frequently than your 85 year-old grandfather
If she were a dude you’d be seriously concerned that she has prostate cancer. But no need to worry – the baby is probably busting some dance moves on her bladder, so she’ll be running to the bathroom every hour on the hour (maybe even more frequently). So plan accordingly if you’re making any long drives in the car.
On the plus side – her boobs will get HUGE
It happens pretty quickly – even before she starts putting on weight other places. And bras will become increasingly uncomfortable for her, so you’ll get lots of opportunities for some solid booby action. Enjoy it, especially in the early stages of pregnancy, because later on they’ll get scary big. To the point where they become dangerous and you are genuinely concerned that if she rolls over in her sleep you could wake up in the morning in need of entering the NFL’s concussion protocol.
Hope this helps and remember that the Entry Revel team is here for you…metaphorically speaking of course– Part 2 of the series will be released next week. In the meantime if you’ve got any questions, concerns or stories you want to share, hit me up in the comments section or at email@example.com