TeeTime’s Two Cents: STFU About Starbucks New Rewards Program

TeeTime’s Two Cent’s are millennial friendly posts that are roughly 250 words on a trending topic for which grievances need to be aired.

Just when you thought Starbucks couldn’t gentrify a white-privilege rewards program for the biggest first world expense per capita among the middle and upper class demographic, they did. And this time they stepped right in a steaming pile of Westminster Kennel club designer dog shit. They pissed off a demographic that makes ISIS look like a baby sea otter dancing to reggae music: stay at home PTA moms. In between spending her breadwinners money on new yoga pants and writing her blog about Tupperware, Cathy, as we’ll call her, prides herself on her exceptional Starbucks rewards cache and the fact that every barista in the tri-state area knows her order.COPENHAGENMany a therapist and disinterested husband will be hearing about the travesty that is a changing rewards program. But let me remind you America that Starbucks doesn’t owe you SHIT. They don’t have to provide complimentary WiFi but they do, they don’t have to source their beans from non-blood coffee fields, but they do, and they sure as shit don’t need to give your trust funded, caffeine addicted upper-middle class self anything for free. In fact, I applaud them for embracing capitalism.

Brace yourself as this may come as a shock but you’re not entitled to free coffee despite how large of a stake your husbands hedge fund owns in Starbucks. So go ahead and do like you said in that post on your book club’s Facebook wall: be a martyr and go to the local hipster cafe for a non-perfectly homogeneous cup of coffee in protest of Starbs. It won’t be a week before you’re jonesing for that liquid crack and feeling judged with your straw that isn’t green. And it’s then that you’ll realize you’re just as shallow as your Starbucks reward balance and will reluctantly roll through the drive through after you get the kids from soccer practice.

It doesn’t take Neil Degrasse Tyson to decipher the enigma that is the Starbucks new rewards formula. So congratulations to all the soccer moms with MRS degrees from their husbands alma mater who solved Einsteins “theory of exclusivity.” Despite the rumors flying around Pinterest, Starbucks is still giving you FREE shit, so stop biting the hand that quenches, and no matter what your couples therapist tells you to do: PLEASE SHUT THE FUCK UP.