Today is arguably one of the most important days of your life. It might not feel any different on the surface. You’ll still wake up reluctantly and hope that your terrible existence has been a 25 year long nightmare. But unfortunately for you, that isn’t the case.
Today is Super Tuesday, the political equivalent of the “Fat” variety that marks the end of Mardi Gras. Hopefully no one is offering Hillary any beads. But instead of waking up Wednesday with a headache, a rash and possibly having undergone a black market organ harvesting, you may face a fate far worse: Donald Trump running away with the GOP nomination. Fourteen states go to the polls with roughly the delegate equivalent of Donald Trump’s net worth at stake. Historical precedent would dictate that Trump would be the GOP nominee if he is to take Super Tuesday. Simply put, today is important AF.Trump is like that one person in every friend group. You know, the guy that you probably are if you can’t identify your clique’s respective one. You keep them around to make fun of, have parties at their house and sober drive. But then some of your friends start to like them and bring him around more. You however would rather dip your genitalia in a vat of battery acid than actually be his friend. This ladies and gentlemen is Donald Trump. And we are getting to the point where he gets a permanent invite to the group text chat and is in the SnapChat story rotation of your squad.
If this election has been a sexual experience, Thursday nights debate was an Cruz/Rubio Eiffel Tower of Trump. Like the opposite of Terminator, Rubio shed is cyborg exterior to reveal a charismatic humanoid jokester, stooping lower than Trump himself. In what can only be described as the ultimate “if you can’t beat ’em join ’em”, Rubio abandoned the high road for a subterranean sewer route full of shit ripe for the slinging. His shade throwing continued into the into weekend ahead of the big day. But is it too little too late?
If your main source of news is Buzzfeed and Facebook tending topics, it will probably be hard to find anything but memes of Leo getting mauled by a bear or a Damn Daniel remix. But the rest of the nation seemed to go on heightened alert over the weekend as #NeverTrump trended and Make Donald Trumpf Again became a thing. Thank you John Oliver. People must have just come out of their “Making a Murderer” induced binge watching coma to realize how dangerously close we are to selecting a man who sells his ties paired with shirts at Macy’s. America hasn’t just been asleep at the wheel, but has been washing down Ambien with morphine. Wake the fuck up America.
But riding the high of his Chris Christie endorsement, the support of a former grand wizard of the KKK and his beefing with God’s messenger on earth, Trump rolls into Super Tuesday with nary a flesh wound from Rubios harmless jabs and the weekend of social media calls to action. Rubios “con artist” schtick might be a day late and roughly $50 million dollars of slanderous advertising short. And the social media movement didn’t reach Trump’s most fervent supporters who were otherwise occupied with an “Apprentice” marathon.
So as much as it sounds like I’m rallying you to rally against Trump, I’m not. (Ok, I kinda am.) As someone who loves #merica as much as the next red, white and blue blooded fan of Golden Corral and premium cable, I want you to understand that our country is at a crossroads today. And before our country hops the guardrail and careens towards a perilous fiery end on January 20th 2017, it’s time to pump the breaks.
Whether you realize it or not this is likely a bigger moment than uttering “I do” to your first ex-wife or watching your second illegitimate child be born. So don’t leave the biggest choice of our generation to middle school dropouts and Jerry Springer contestants. I hate to sound like P. Diddy, but take 14 minutes of your day and get informed. Wikipedia is a good place to start. A candidates website is even better. You won’t necessarily die if you don’t get involved, but allowing Donald Trump to be our president could easily lead to your ultimate undoing should you get eaten by a pack of wild dogs during the nuclear winter that will grip the world under his reign. Happy Super Tuesday, America.