Remember when you were single? Maybe some of you still are – good for you. Well, I honestly can’t remember that far back. But I imagine those days with endless possibilities – no responsibilities and not a care in the world other than trying to get laid. Those seem like good times…simpler times. But that’s not the world I live in. My world consists of the suffocating reality of impending fatherhood.So this is my way of trying to help out the masses. In case you missed it, check out Part 1 of my guide…but I can’t leave you all hanging like that so ask and you shall receive. What? Nobody asked for part 2? Well too fucking bad – the beauty of Entry Revel is that I can write whenever I want, and…
Or in this case…read. So without further ado, here’s Part 2:
You will never read a “Baby Book”
It’s a big part of why I wrote this article to begin with – to replace all of those monstrosities from Amazon. But inevitably you will be forced into buying some and all they’re going to do is accumulate dust on your bookshelf. You may mean well, but you’re not going to crack those books open until it’s too late…probably sometime after her water breaks and you’re rushing to the hospital. Good news is that the books do function well as door-stops, paper weights and fly swatters.
Some women like to create a playlist of soothing songs for the big day. I get it, it’s a stressful time and if it helps to listen to Enya while you’re pushing a human being out of your uterus who am I to deny you that. But if it’s gunna go down, then I think it’s your right to slip in a few songs for YOU. So get a hold of her iPhone or iPad and throw a few wildcards into the mix. Just saying, it would be pretty BA to have your kid come out of the womb to Eye of the Tiger or Enter Sandman.
Registries are back
Remember when you got married and had to create a wedding registry? Fun times right? You got to spend hours upon hours at Bed Bath & Beyond picking out a cutlery set or dinnerware. The only concern on your mind was whether or not those plates were microwave-safe for your late night trips to the fridge to warm up leftover Chinese food. Well now you get to relive all that fun with a baby registry. And yes, it’s as miserable as it sounds. You’re going to be doing research on things that you never envisioned yourself worrying about, like car seats and strollers. So buckle up and accept it.
Don’t be a tool
I understand that having a kid is an exciting time for you, your friends and your family. So it’s fair that you want to share the news and you can do that however you see fit. But that doesn’t mean you’re exempt from my judgment – and that’s what this section is all about. Yup, you bet your ass I’m being judgmental over the idiotic trend that is now the…”Gender Reveal Party”. It’s a huge deal in which people invite all of their friends or family – kind of like an engagement party before a wedding – and like the title implies, they reveal to everyone whether they’re having a boy or a girl. I’ve heard all sorts of variations on how the announcement is made at the party, including an option that includes having the inside of the cake be either blue (for a boy) or pink (for a girl). No matter what the planned approach is, these parties are just absurd. You don’t need to have a massive gathering to tell people the gender. So if your wife/partner recommends this, stand your ground. DO NOT let that shit fly.
Pregnant women LOVE jokes
That’s right – the preggos love jokes of all varieties. Knock-knock jokes. Your mamma jokes. The one about the priest and the rabbi. There’s something about putting on 30-40 pounds that makes them more perceptive to humor. So when you’re putting together your “go bag” for the hospital, sneak something in there that will give her a good laugh. Maybe a gram of weed, loaded handgun or your favorite porno mag – I mean she’s not the only one who’s going to be spending multiple nights in the hospital right? You need your reading materials.
If you haven’t realized by now that I’m fucking with you…PLEASE DO NOT PLAY A PRACTICAL JOKE ON YOUR PREGNANT WIFE. It would in fact be the last thing you did on this earth and it’d be a major bummer to make it through the pregnancy unscathed and then get murdered by her just before the baby gets popped out. Pregnant women enjoy distractions from their pain and discomfort, but not at their own expense.
Take a “Baby-moon”
This is under the assumption that you actually enjoy spending time with your spouse/significant other – which I do. But once the baby arrives the number one priority for both of you will be that little spittle machine (I mean bundle of joy). It’s how it should be, but before that happens I’d recommend taking one last romantic getaway to have some alone time. Okay, it might not be THAT romantic depending on how far along your wife is…but you get the point. Even if you’re not spending all of your time doing the no pants dance, take a week off and go on an adult vacation. And more importantly, enjoy it because once the baby is born you’re going to be spending most of your “vacations” at Disney or Lego Land…kill me now.
Try not to lose your shit
I don’t mean this in the literal – try not to lose your ‘belongings’ way, although that’s probably solid general life guidance. I mean try not to lose your fucking mind. The whole purpose of this article was to give you some insight and hopefully talk you down from the ledge. But trust me things will be stressful at times…okay pretty much all of the time. You’ll find yourself daydreaming about hurling your body into oncoming traffic, but resist those urges. Find a way to relax. Some people would recommend yoga or meditation, but you don’t come to TOSG for those kinds of ideas. So be creative – listen to some music on your commute to/from work or go get a massage. No, not THAT kind of massage you pervert. I hate that all of my readers have their heads in the gutter – I apologize on YOUR behalf. No but seriously, do something that helps you clear your head and melt your troubles away. Perhaps it’s time to send out a few texts and find someone who can help with your sudden onset of Glaucoma. But be careful. There can be a file line between chilling out and this…