I’ve been in a relationship for 5+ years. We’re talking about being in a state where I can openly watch Say Yes to the Dress in my boyfriend’s presence while he clips his toenails on the couch, and we both pretend that they’re all making it onto the paper towel beneath those gremlin-esk toes. Don’t let the fairy tales fool you- this is what love looks like.
While I treasure the fact that I can walk around the house in basketball shorts from 2003 and try and break my record for days gone without washing my hair (6), there are still moments when I feel some serious FOMO watching my single friends bang their way through their late 20’s. All is not lost, however, as my best friend just joined Match.
My friend, who we’ll call Shannon for this story, joined Match because she’s ready for a relationship; the nights of tequila-fueled dance battles with that bearded dude who won the tater tot-eating contest are over. While I miss the stories from her Bumble adventures, I can understand a biological clock as much as the next red-blooded, Beyonce-loving, American woman. Upon asking Shannon why she picked Match over the other dating sites that are poorly marketed via daytime television, she responded, “If you pay for it, you’re more serious”.
Turns out, you can also be way more fucking weird.
While her match profile has only afforded her a few sub par free dinners, Shannon’s online dating presence has brought me immeasurable joy, as well as a new career as an amateur relationship therapist. What you are about to see will possibly shock or offend you; if it does neither, you’re most likely one of the awful wastes of human bodies that has dictated one of the below messages of your own volition. In which case, seek some professional help.
Without further ado, I give you the best word vomit that has appeared in Shannon’s inbox and my in-depth analysis of each. (*Please note, no usernames have been changed because they deserve to be publicly thrashed)
Suitor One: The Guy who hasn’t quite figured out this whole survival concept yet
Analysis: He opened up with a greeting that 90% of bipeds would classify as normal, kudos for that. But apparently his wait time capacity is 7 minutes, and if you do indeed hit that marker, he will follow up with a random fact. That fact will highlight his total incompetence as a functioning adult, and also remove any type of attraction you may have developed while browsing his profile pictures in the 7 minutes he gave you to respond.
Proposed Response: Hi cactus licker, I’m a grown woman with a full-time job and dog. While your total lack of social awareness would be appealing to a drunk 19 year old who only knows her shitty high school boyfriend, I don’t think this is going to work out. Good luck to the next girl you go down on, cactus needles don’t come out easily.
Suitor Two: The 23 Year Old who’s already given up
Analysis: This kid clearly had a lonely Christmas. My guess is that he’s the youngest of 4, in a large redneck family where chinstraps are considered fashionable. All of his siblings brought their significant other, plus or minus three obese children, home with them for the holidays to Kentucky and Ryan is finally on his last straw. It’s a lonely life when your classmates were eligible for the Teen Mom casting that ran through town ten years ago, but stay strong buddy- your tagline of “S.O.S PLEASE RESPOND!” will definitely bring in the right lady for you.
Proposed Response: Ryan, I’m not sure where you picked up your courting skills, but stage 5 clingers are a big no on my list. You may be better suited to a European airmail bride who doesn’t have a grasp on the English language. Although, if she does understand the phrase “S.O.S”, even she might refuse your advances.
Suitor Three: That Dude who equivocates “fun” with “MARRIAGE NOW”
Analysis: If he were really serious, he would have included a picture of the ring- then he might have a chance at a nice goldigger. Alas, this fun man clearly doesn’t have a grasp on womanly desires or marriage itself, as he suggested eloping on a honeymoon following a proposal and no wedding. Check that verb usage, bro. On the bright side he suggested starting your relationship in Dubai, which is a really progressive city for women so that should definitely end well.
Proposed Response: Please don’t respond to this, he may track your location.
If there’s anything we can learn from this, comrades, let it be that you are either the hunter or the hunted. And if you’re the hunter please stop being so fucking creepy.