In our continuing series of hypotheticals for your bar conversations this weekend, we step into the realm of self reflection via the art of film. Here it is:
Assume two unauthorized movies are made about your life. As if you’d really be that mad. The first is an independently released documentary, primarily comprised of interviews with people who know you and bootleg footage from your actual life. They also plan on keeping the tape rolling for the rest of your life so you get to keep adding to the documentary so you can watch at any point in your lifetime.
Meanwhile, Universal (sorry, years of watching Entourage still hasn’t given me a clue on the big studios) has produced a big budget biopic of your life, casting major Hollywood stars as you and all of your acquaintances; though the movie is based on actual events, screenwriters have “taken some liberties with the facts” but you get a whopping $25K for your efforts. Critics are split on the artistic merits of this fictionalized account, but audiences loves it and you are recognized as being “that guy” from the film…and you get onto IMBD.
WHICH FILM WOULD YOU RATHER See PRODUCED?
(Our answers are below)
This is tough. $25K now with a little bit of fame or have your whole life documented? I’m not a movie guys as documented by the last movie I saw in theaters was on Christmas two years ago while I tried channeling my inner Jewish roots. So I don’t really care about a truly great “cinematic experience”. However, what is more appealing to me is if I could somehow capitalize on my 15 minutes of fame and catapult that into something larger. Maybe then I could afford a home stenographer to record the rest of my life. The only problem being it would start from that point in my life onwards and therefore would miss the first 30 years of my existence. Do I trust myself to launch my “stardom” into something else?
The answer is probably not. I don’t think they want the 5’10” (my NBA profile height) 150 lb Jewish white guy who had a mediocre film made about him hawking Manischewitz wine paired with some matzo. On the flip side, it would be almost priceless to see a documentary on your life pieced together by whatever we used in college, old Canon cameras, the original iPhone and maybe, just maybe an actual video recorder. Actually, I don’t want to see that….7th grade brace face was an awkward year.
When it comes down to it, I’m not really a guy who revels in the spotlight so I would prefer to keep my low profile and have a documentary of my entire life to reflect on…then pray that I make enough money where that $25K and potential springboard to something else doesn’t haunt me for the rest of my life.
The only answer here is to have a biopic made about my life. A documentary of my existences to this point would be like watching an episode of “The Office” in the post-Michael Scott era or watching a porno that is all missionary. Put simply, my life needs artistic liberties to be taken to be remotely exciting. Remember, my biggest accomplishment to date is starting this website. *Sigh*
Someone like Michael Bay could really embellish my awkward years spent wearing shirts from Hot Topic and drinking wine coolers in my friends grandmas basement. And it would take some phenomenal CGI to make me look remotely athletic as I asthmatically waddled around rec-league soccer pitches as an overweight pre-teen. As I grew into an esteemed cube monkey as a young adult, it would take damn near perfect writing by Larry David to make these scenes even remotely entertaining. Having lived a generally vanilla life really lends to the biopic option.
Of course, the big question is, who plays me? Andy Milonakis is the easy choice for pre-pubescent Tyler. But after my caterpillar-to-butterfly montage scene set to some mid-2000’s scream-o band I’d emerge as not-just-another-statistic on the CDC’s childhood obesity chart as a more well proportioned Taylor Lautner. Ok, ok so he has to put a little weight on for the role …
Plus no one watches documentaries on Netflix, (put your hands down Bernie Sanders fans) but the feel good rom-com about my life would be a great TBS Sunday mid-afternoon hangover movie: you don’t really have to pay attention but get the jist of it, and your annoying cube mate already quoted (read: ruined) all the funny parts since he saw it in theaters.
Thanks annoying cubemate.