There’s a new “Central Park Pigeon Woman” in town and she’s giving the “crazy cat lady” a run for her money when it comes to smelling of tuna and frequenting Michael’s Crafts. But this isn’t your grandmas feline lover who coerces all the neighborhood strays and alley cats to her doorstep with cat nip like a diddler with candy. No, this ASPCA advocate is far worse than the “woman who chose not to get married” who adorns her house with crocheted throw pillows of her 19 cats named after the characters of Downton Abbey.Meet the 21st century version of the crazy cat lady. She doesn’t own any pets but uses Facebook pages dedicated to puppies like a new-age Tomagachi. She abuses the share button on Facebook more than the aspiring white rapper from your hometown and her Instagram looks looks like Sarah McLaughlin’s. The type of women who would have been burned at the stake during the Salem witch trials lives in the bowels of deep web forums looking for the next big puppy star. Her ‘recently watched’ in YouTube looks like Mike Vick circa 2005 and she has Airbuds autograph. You get the point.
She may not own a dog but she’s got a kennel full of videos and isn’t afraid of letting the the dogs out. Here are her favorite ways to clog your newsfeed and show you much time she spends on aww subreddits:
Babies and puppies: There are a lot of bad parents in this world. The really, really bad music festival parents and out-until-midnight-with-a-6-month-old come to mind. But there is one that stands above the rest on the DCF’s most wanted list. You all know one. They let their 150 pound full grown pit bull named after an American gladiator who they rescued from a drug dealer, lay in a crib with their 3 day old baby. In their eyes the YouTube hits of “Baby’s First Best Friend” far outweigh the chances of very SID. Shame on you.
Freak on a leash: This is the type of puppy that would have been “taken to the farm” pre-Al Gore inventing the Internet. The Babe of the litter if you will. Years of Petco inbreeding and crazy Japanese people creating designer dogs has finally caught up with species. If your dog only walks backwards, is obsessed with a door stopper or has more heads than something guarding the sorcerers stone, he’s probably not cute, he’s missing a chromosome.
The super sad videos. We’ve all seen the videos set to mid-2000’s heartbreak ballads featuring a beagle with Oscar Pistorius legs. It’s like watching a car wreck, you just can’t stop at the first malnourished, teary eyed cockapoo.
Swimming in a “dog pool.” This orgy of puppy drool seems both unhygienic and too close to a Fear Factor challenge. If you don’t have an irrational fear of multiple things that typically couldn’t defeat you alone but could easily overpower you en masse, you should probably watch Alfred Hitchcock’s classic, “The Birds.” Think: a gaggle of 3rd graders or the scene in Jurassic Park where the Compys eat Dieter Stark when he strays away to relieve his bladder.
Dog profile pics. If your profile pics include you draped in a Snapchat dog filter, please seek help. If you have an identity crisis with a dog, then heroine isn’t the biggest epidemic we have in this country. And if you engage in the electronic equivalent of hanging frames with the stock photos still in them (and calling them your family and friends), by posting a picture of a dog that you don’t even own, you should be put down.
Guilty dogs being publicly shamed. You’ve all seen it, the dog who “pooped in daddy’s shoe” or “ate 17 pounds of concrete”. Unless you’re Dr. Dolittle, or were on a really bad trip, you shouldn’t be able to communicate with animals. Like a battered wife, you’re condoning their behavior with cute signs and viral fame. Shame on you.
Actually cute videos: TeeTime how are you going to bash genuinely cute puppy videos, you soulless bastard? Here’s how: puppies are a lot like kids, they grow up. I’m sure Muammar Gaddafi and Donald Trump were cute babies but look how they turned out . So just remember next time you watch that puppy video, for every Lassy and Doug the Pug there is a mail man mauling Hercules from Sandlot who is taking a big steaming dump that you’re going to step in later today. But TeeTime, what about puppies slipping on hardwood floors as they try to catch their grip? It’s a dog-eat-dog world out there. Survival of the fittest. And I don’t see any puppy outrunning a lion as hes sputtering clumsily on the floor of the Serengeti. No matter how cute it is.
Honorable mention: Puppies playing with other species (i.e. goats, tigers, bears etc.)