Congratulations, you’ve convinced a homosapien with two X chromosomes to live with and have semi-regular sex with you. This means taking a crash course in doilies and throw pillow, getting an ad-hoc education in gynecological studies and a life of remembering to put the toilet seat down. Other than the bathroom, the TV will be the biggest point of contention in any standard American relationship. Other than the no man’s land that are your shared “shows”, you’ll be waging a constant uphill battle against the Bravo and E! television programs in your significant other’s arsenal.
Like a TV guide for shows you don’t really want to watch, I’ve reviewed, ranked and prepared you for the programming you’ll be watching in lieu of sports, Family Guy and Seinfeld …
1) Fixer Upper: This is the official programming of a quarter life crisis cry for help. Surrounded by $96 worth of Seamless for two you’ll ignore Friday night “What are you up to texts?” and uninstall Snapchat in a textbook case of HOMO (Hope Of Missing Out). Your antisocial behavior enabling significant other will gawk at Joanna’s makeup and develop a deep seeded longing for shiplap while you pick up dad jokes and buzzwords to drop with your handy family members from our generations Bob Vila, Chip Gaines.
2) 90 Day Fiancée: The premise of this show is creepy American dudes who couldn’t find a suitor the old fashioned way by lying on an Internet profile and getting a bottle of chloroform, and need to mail order a bride. The women are typically washed up Bangkok hookers who will suck dick for a green card … literally. The real draw of this show are guys who send away for these “legal” prostitutes. They fall into two categories: 1) Guys with weird foreign fetishes or 2) Dudes who have such little game they need to bribe the opposite sex with a one way ticket to the land of the free and the home of the brave. This is one of the shows where you come for the awkward language barriers and sexual encounters and stay because it makes you feel better about yourself. The only way it could be better is if they showed the selection process that would release the same endorphin’s as using your buddies Tinder.
3) Southern Charm. On a network full of silicone filled geriatric divas, this one flies under the radar. It’s basically The Real World in Charleston South Carolina which means it’s a bunch of racist, rich white people who look like Vineyard Vines models getting hammered off of bourbon and complaining about having to pay for hard labor. Your girlfriend will love the drama and you will love watching the former frat stars slay college girls looking for their MRS degree.
4) I Am Cait: Hear me out on this one. It’s 2016, I’m a modern man, I believe marriage should be between any two people who love each other yadda, yadda, yadda. But watching this show is more confusing than watching The Miracle of Life in the 6th grade and finding out Santa isn’t real … in the same day. It’s like a mix of Inception and Birdcage, where men are women, women are men and I’m just trying to figure out who is pre and post op. While your girlfriend is being suckered in to being a LGBTQ crusader, you’re playing “So, wait, does that make him, er, her, gay?”
5) Skin Tight: WARNING: This show isn’t for the feint of heart. Its for the true weight loss-centric show junkies and chubby chasers who get off to half naked morbidly obese women. After they are fork lifted from their homes, weigh in on a scale at Sea World and lose 400 pounds, the contestants on My 600 Pound Life are left with a post-gastric bypass Fat Bastard amounts of excess skin. Instead of being grateful for being alive, these whiney former heavyweights call the wahmbulance to remove piles and piles of skin off of their recently slender self. If there is a more perfect time to drop a Charlie Murphy “Get yo ass outta my face white boy before I cut some bacon off your back” quote, I don’t know what it is.
6) Vanderpump Rules: What’s better than a bunch of coked up wait-staff and barkeeps banging and fighting in a restaurant famous amongst the basic white girl crowd? A lot of things. This health inspectors nightmare is an anxiety inducing high school melodrama on steroids. There are no redeeming qualities about these aspiring actors other than the opportunity to wager on who ends up in rehab first.
7) Rich Kids of Beverly Hills: I’d rather dip my genitals in battery acid than watch this show. Every agonizing second takes precious minutes off my life and eats away at the few brain cells I didn’t kill at EDM festivals during my early 20’s. The show revolves around a group of affluenza tweens who do stupid shit with their parents hard earned money and one particularly androgynous African American male (?) who looks likes a mix of Star Jones and Carl Winslow. Their insufferable conversations are matched only by their infuriating sense of entitlement. These are the people the producers of the Purge had in mind when making the movie.
8) Keeping Up With The Kardashians. A show that features NBA stars, rap stars and the porn star of our generation should be good on the surface. But the superficiality of this first family of faux-fame almost makes you not blame Lamar Odom for his recent shenanigans. The only redeeming quality of this show is that we should have a front row seat when Kanye runs for President in 2020.
9) Who Do You Think You Are: This is more or less a glorified infomercial for Ancestry.com during which C-list celebrities who don’t have a bad enough drug problem to be on celebrity rehab find out who they’re related to. Not without drama each show will convince you that you’re related to Bonnie and Clyde, the Beatles or Jesus (yes, Jesus of Nazareth) and will make your gullible significant other buy a Ancestry DNA test to finally prove she’s related to Coco Chanel.