Beyoncé drops an album. Why it matters: Queen Bey (is it ok if I call you that?) dropped another unannounced album on Tidal over the weekend. Tune into your local Top 40 station to hear ‘Lemonade’ on repeat for the next several months. Not so hot take: The album makes multiple references and outright accusations that HOV, better known as Mr. Knowles, cheated on the (’03) Clyde to his Bonnie. Although undoubtedly true, there was a hilarious mix up this weekend when Rachel ROY was accused of being Jay’s side piece. Rachel RAY received thousands of mean tweets, threats to pull out her weave etc. from Bey’s faithful. Still not so hot take: I always pegged Jay as more of a Giada man, with his sophisticated taste, but I guess after you’ve had Beyonce’s ass, you need a lamb chop with a little meat on the bone.
Ohio Murder. 8 family members were murdered in Ohio in what appears to be a marijuana ring-related execution. Why it matters: Supply and demand, man [in my best stoner voice] Not so hot take: Talk about stoner bashing. This was so hardcore, I’m talking Pablo Escobar style. Weeds meets Breaking Bad. This is the stuff movies are made of.
Apple Revenue Declines. For the first time in 13 years, Apple did not have quarterly revenue growth. Why it matters: If you’re a shareholder you might be a bit worried, and it might mean that the Samsung Galaxy is growing in popularity. Just kidding, no one likes Galaxy’s. Not so hot take: This is long deserved for not letting me backup my iPhone for 64 weeks and making using iCloud harder than hacking that terrorists iPhone.
Super Tuesday: The Rematch. Trump swept all 5 Super Tuesday Part III states and Hillary took all but 1 (Rhode Island, thanks to a bunch of stoners who voted for Bernie Sanders). Why it matters: Trump is edging closer to winning the nomination but more importantly has started using a nick name for Hillary akin to, but not as awesome as Lyin’ Ted or Little Marco: crooked Hillary. Clinton is now roughly 90% of the way towards her parties nomination.
Kasich/Cruz team up. Ted Cruz and John Kasich have joined forces like the conservative Batman and Robin to double team Trump. Each will lay-off in certain states to allow the other to win or at least get enough votes to stop Trump from winning the nomination outright. Why it matters: If their diabolical plan works, there will be a contested convention and it will be a blood bath in Cleveland for the Republican Party nomination. Not so hot take: Doesn’t this pretty much already mean Trump won? He’s massacring the men who are attempting to politically Eiffel Tower him. Even if they do keep him under the necessary magic number and there is a contested convention, and if Trump doesn’t win, his loyal (read: stupid) followers are going to rally around him in the first rally that didn’t start with ‘monster truck’ that they have ever been to.