Ted Cruz pulled the ultimate MadTV “Stuart” (“Look at me!”) cry for attention by announcing Carly Fiorina as his VP running mate should he be nominated as the Republican Presdiential candidate. Besides being more premature than his first (and subsequent) sexual encounter(s), this comes across as “sucking-dick-for-crack” desperate. But it got us thinking: If you were running for President in the general election this year, who would you select to be your VP? It can be anyone alive: a politician, an athlete, a celebrity billionaire (boy that would be outrageous) …So who ya got?
(My answer is below)
Teetime: I’m a firm subscriber to the school of thought that real American heroes make the best politicians. So cue up the Hulkamania theme song, bust out the fireworks your sketchy uncle went south of the Mason Dixon to buy, and let’s find me a Veteran for a running mate. War heroes tap into the core of Americana, giving you the hard-nosed angle, the fresh faced non-politico type who haven’t been tainted by Washington and hold the ultimate Trump card: sacrifice for their country. You opened up 6 orphanages for children who have cancer that lost their parents in 9/11? Welp, I saw action in ‘Nam.
But there are other factors to take into account. Most importantly they can’t be too much smarter or more well received than me due to my irrational fear of a coup. I call it the “new hot guy at my girlfriend’s company” theory. That eliminates anyone who attended West Point or earned their stripes in any sort of historically significant battle. If the first two seasons of House of Cards and Joe Biden taught me anything, it’s that Veeps are political outcasts who do nothing but nod at the State of the Union. So I’ll need someone who is easily amused by shiny things and is ok with slinking in the background while I run the free world. So my selection pretty much comes down to George W. Bush, my friend who barely graduated HS and struggles to pass the drug tests to remain enlisted in the National Guard or Colin Powell. Color me a racist, but Colin Powell brings the veteran, black and name recognition cards to the table. Check, check and check. He seems like a really nice guy and is probably great at lying since he was part of the Bush administration. Vote Morin-Powell ’16!
Noble: I know as the female I’m supposed to pick Beyoncé for VP (because Lemonade, obviously), but in the spirit of Laremy Tunsil I’ll throw a wild card. I would pick my dog: Lexie. Are you currently imagining a sweet little fluff ball that fits in a purse like most humans stereotype women as owning? Lexie is a Rottweiler. She weighs as much as I do, and lives to hunt small furry creatures. What I lack in intimidation skills she takes care of handily, and I would easily get the “I love my pitbull and everyone should too” vote. The downside would be she doesn’t verbalize her stance on immigration very well, but makes up for that in the general charisma she would bring to the foreign politics table. Plus, what does VP really do anyways aside from make the president look better?