A Millennial’s Guide to (Voluntarily) Leaving Your Job

There are a bevy of reasons that you should switch jobs: happy hour indiscretions with the intern that the grapevine has gotten wind of, racists jokes overheard by the ornery square and “the incident” (as it will be forever known) at the Holiday party that will become stuff of watercooler lore for analyst classes to come. Barring getting escorted out by a member of the HR team and two heavily armed guards, there are some actual reasons to give your two weeks notice. Cue the happy hour where you can effectively burn all bridges and air all personal and professional grievances after 14 company-sponsored light lagers.We’ve developed a Six Sigma vetted, LinkedIn endorsed method to decide when it’s time to send that awkward farewell email with the empty promises of keeping in touch:

Have you plateaued? Like having dated a girl way out of your league, you may have hit the highest point in your career.

Yes: Consult your local psychiatrist to make sure you are not a narcissist and make a gynecological appointment to make sure you are not a female who “can’t stand her boss” or “is so much smarter than everyone in her office.” There is a slight possibility that you should leave your job.

No: Keep at it. Remember, “I think I can, I think I can.”

Are you making enough money? Money is the root of all evil. But it is also the root of getting tail and buying cool shit that will make you happy. This includes but is not limited to compensation, PTO, 401k, fringe benefits etc.

Yes: You’re a settler. Enjoy your mediocre job, your unfulfilled life and dying alone in Countryside Estates. Keep on doing you.

No: We get it. As a millennial with a sense of entitlement equivalent to the affluenza teen you deserve Arab money for doing your best welfare recipient impression. It might be time for a change.

Are you being physically abused or sexually harassed? 

Yes: Remember that quid pro quo means “this for that.” So ride what your onboarding packet categorizes as “inappropriate physical contact” all the way to the c-suite. Or quit, totally up to you.

No. Remember, when it comes to inappropriate work attire, less is more. You may continue at your non-threatening, safe space of a work environment.

Are you good at what you do? Some indicators that you’re just not that good: constant berating at the hands of senior management, ratings below the Mendoza line and often being overlooked for promotions or anything remotely affirming your value to the company.

No: Quit your job.

Yes: Take this time to do some self reflection on how good you actually are at your job. Great. Now knock yourself down 3 pegs. Are you still good at your job?

… uh, yea, I mean … sure: Congratulations, you probably went to Harvard. Keep up the good work.

Do you you want to move locations? Most experts will tell you this is a bad idea. Your career is more important than your personal life they will say. Well let me tell you: I AM NOT AN EXPERT.

Yes: Quit your job, get a similarly unfulfilling gig and get into some much needed strange.

No: You should probably stay at your job.

Are you on the “Management Career Path”? So lets go out on a limb here and say your actually enjoy the monotony, free Panera lunches and half priced apps that comprises Corporate America.

Yes: You have found what I like to call the sweet spot. Ride it out.

No: Do your best Jennifer Aniston in Office Space and GTFO to greener pastures.

Do you want to follow your dreams? Cue the baby boomers tongue lashings about “finding a good company and sticking with it.” How is a generation who found their spouse at religious mixers going to give a generation who finds their slams on a website, advice?

Yes: Consider if your idea for an app that tells you where the nearest Chiptole and best best public bathrooms are is really the next big thing. If you have someone dumb enough to invest in your idea, quit your job.

No: You are likely a robot.

Are you look for better Company Culture? Let me be very clear, an office with a kegerator, ping pong and foozeball table does not mean it has good culture. But it helps.

Yes: Only quit your job if any of the above apply.

No: You work at Google already. Enjoy.

Do you see the writing on the wall? If it looks like layoffs, smells like layoffs and taste like layoffs, it’s probably layoffs.

Yes: Don’t be a hero, abandon ship like that guy in Titanic who dressed up like a woman to avoid certain death.

No: Tell us what job security feels like.

Do you get along with people at work? The sweet spot of acquaintanceship with coworkers lies somewhere between sneaking out the door to avoid happy hours and renting a villa in Ibiza for 2 weeks during party season.

Yes: Do less, you’re doing too much if people at work like you.

No: Maybe you should stop warming up fish in the microwave in the pantry and putting calls on speakerphone in your cube. Might be time to start dusting off the resume.

Does it feel like you are being held against your free will?

Yes: You may be a child laborer or imprisoned in South Korea. If so, please comment below and we will send Dennis Rodman to negotiate your safe return. Also do not try to quit as management will surely have you executed.

No: Consider yourself lucky. Continue working at your job.