It’s a great time to be an American. Donald Trump is vowing to make America great again and Starbucks is being sued for putting too much ICE in their ICED coffee. This resonating sentiment and this only-in-Mississippi lawsuit hearkens back to a time when America was great and you could sue anyone for millions of dollars if you had a pulse and phone to call the 1-800 ambulance chaser you saw on the TV. So, this got us thinking …
What is the next great American class action lawsuit? You know, the kind that is incredibly frivolous and will probably win if heard in Florida? (think: being burned by a cup of McDonald’s coffee, 11-inch footlongs at Subway, too much ICE in your ICED coffee from Starbucks etc.) So who/what company would you sue for something that really grinds your gears but has no real legal merit? (Besides the precedent set in the cases above)
(My answer is below)
Growing up, I wasn’t big boned, I was fat. The kinda fat where you wear shirts in the pool. So it goes without saying that my favorite snack was Blue Ranch Dorito’s. Get the fuck outta here with those Nacho Cheese Doritos that smell like cat food and taste like chemicals. I said I was fat, not that I didn’t have standards. I digress. Sometime in the early 2000’s some Mad Men creative types decided to create Doritos 3D. These were delicious airy morsels sent from the heavens to soak up all the Surge slushing around in my gelatinous belly. But these older more sophisticated cousins of the Bugle had a dark side. A bag that was 97% air was the stuff of fat kids nightmares. That and being sent to heavyweights camp. There were exponentially fewer chips in a bag that was still only half full. So like an elephant, an obese pediatric never forgets Frito Lay. I’d like to retroactively sue you for mental hardship and anxiety brought on by my mom only buying one bag of Doritos 3D, thinking that they provided the same level of satisfaction as their forefather.