Crossfit Consumption 101

Aside from ninja warrior competitors who decide to don a facemask before biting it on the first obstacle, crossfitters absorb more criticism than any other fitness participants. So let’s...

Aside from ninja warrior competitors who decide to don a facemask before biting it on the first obstacle, crossfitters absorb more criticism than any other fitness participants. So let’s go ahead and get this out of the way: I’m one of those people. I’ve flipped a tire, swung a kettlebell, and used the word snatch as a verb. (I giggle every time I say it. But still.)You’re still reading? Cool.

While associating with the crossfit cult, I simultaneously surround myself with people who hate it with a vehement passion. Our very own Entry Revel boss man TeeTime has said, “Crossfit scares me more than ISIS and going to a city that doesn’t have a Starbucks combined”.

As a relatively normal human by most standardized tests, I feel it’s my civic duty to bridge the gap between those who crossfit and those who do not. To capitalize on my dichotomous lifestyle by informing those that Crossfit and post about it 24/7 that they’re fucking annoying, while tangentially bringing functional fitness to the masses.

So, I give you the 3 things everyone needs to know about Crossfit

1. You don’t need to do handstand walks.

If your only exposure to Crossfit thus far in life has been via ESPN during Crossfit Game season, please know that those Greek Adonis’ on your 42” plasma are not what you will find in a regular crossfit gym. You will not be doing what they’re doing, and you certainly won’t have their abs. You will be a part of a great community where they teach you the right form and modifications for your body. I swear.

2. Nobody cares about your squat PR.

Seriously, no one cares. Stop posting it on Facebook; your mom may like it, but only because she’s obligated to do so. The rest of us want to punch you in the face and/or balls. I can probably deadlift more than you, but you’ll never know because I’M NOT A DOUCHEBAG. Be super proud of yourself and your accomplishments, but know that Jerry from 7th grade homeroom doesn’t need to know what you cleaned last week.

3. Yes, it’s hard. Yes, it’s worth it. 

You’re scared, we get it. If you’re like Weebay, the closest you’ve come to Crossfitting is the occasional box jump at the gym in your apartment building when you’re trying to emulate JJ Watt. And if you’re 99% of my friends, you’re projecting your fear into the form of hatred/FOMO. On the only serious note I’ll probably have in my blogging career: lifting weights is good for your body. Increase that mobility, decrease that osteoporosis risk, and embrace the impending self-esteem boost. Seriously, give it a month. I promise you’ll enjoy the workout and results.

So Crossfitters and Dad bod lovers alike, you’ve got your homework. Either stop posting about it, or start doing it. Crossfit is actually not the worst, and can be beneficial if you actually give it a chance. Now I’m off to consume another glass of wine, because you can do that as a casual crossfitter.

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