Before you get balls deep in planning your MDW using our definitive guide, fire up our #MDW Spotify Playlist and listen to the sweet, sweet sound of freedom ring. (Oh, and Seal, Jimmy Buffett, Billy Joel, Foo Fighters & more)
As a co-Ed holidays were best spent at the local watering hole trying to parlay getting your Steve-o on into an adult sleepover that would make Charlie Sheen proud. Much more anticlimactically in the real world, holidays revolve around long weekends and typically coincide with mattress sales. But somewhere in the sweet spot of this holiday Venn diagram is something all red, white and blue blooded Americans have in common: an unfettered infatuation with the 4th of July and Memorial Day weekend (MDW). If the 4th of July is a bald eagle shooting Osama Bin Laden with a Smith and Wesson while wearing a Don’t Tread on Me hat, MDW is Uncle Sam doing Lady Liberty doggy style on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial. With #MDW mere business days away, we believe it’s our civic duty to help you make an the informed decision. No, not on who to vote for, but how to trade those starched dockers for a star spangled Hawaiian shirt and bucket hat and get your Dan Bilzerian on this weekend.
What drink: Budweiser Ameri-cans are the obvious choice. Nothing screams freedom like drinking cheap beer with your buddies while your feet dangle from the tailgate of a Chevy Silverado.
Ahh, the cool, refreshing taste of freedom.
But just in case you aren’t starring in a Luke Bryan video this weekend, MDW sparks the beginning of Deep Eddy’s season. Fill up that blue collar thermos with half Deep Eddy’s and half water for that white collar trip to the Hamptons.
Drink straight vodka responsibly.
If you run with more of the Pinterest crowd try any one of these Today Show tested, mom-approved “these colors don’t bleed”, headaches in a pitcher.
Basic white bitches rejoice.
What to wear: Dudes: Anything from the John Daly Loudmouth collection will suffice. Or these Bonobos. But to really set yourself apart, America’s away colors are the way to go. Don’t forget that this holiday is about more than low interest rates at the Hyundai dealer and blacking out at your local muni course.
Don’t forget accesorizng isn’t just for chicks. You will be in water somewhere with board shorts and lots of SPF 30. Don’t forget your Polarized Wayfarers or Aviators to break down that vicious glare off the lake or that backwards hat for those of you starting to use Rogaine.
Ladies: That American flag crop top has been sitting in your closet for a reason, ladies. Plus, it’s the official start of white jean season; nothing is more American than some jorts where your flat butt hangs out just a little. It screams I’m here to party and totally am not going to barre after this.
Oh, and bikinis too.
What to eat: The easiest way to spot a terrorist this holiday weekend isn’t to racially profile, it’s to look for the guy at the BBQ not eating a Nathan’s hot dog, cheeseburger or steak. Gluttony is as American as wiffle ball and blacking out, so if you’re eating lean poultry or tofu, you probably support Vladimir Putin. But don’t underestimate the advantages of drinking your calories. Afterall, cutting season is over.
What to bring to parties: It wouldn’t just be cliche to show up to a party with booze, it would be an insult to the hosts intelligence since it means that you don’t believe they’ve already read this blog. So it’s time to think outside the box, Captain America:
A whistling NERF football: The last time you saw one of these, it was stuck in your neighbors tree. This will allow even the most able dad-bodied former-intramural-MVP to feel like Uncle Rico. And if it ain’t whistling, are you even throwing it?
Scooter cooler: Who can deny you sex if you roll up on one of these Yeti/rascal hybrids? You’ll be the talk of the BBQ for the low introductory price of $799.
If this guy can’t cop an OTPHJ, I don’t know who can anymore …
A dog: Assuming you aren’t going to Mike Vick’s house bring Fido by for the Americana factor and unsolicited attention from the opposite sex. A cute dog and a few Mike’s Hard is a recipe for the perfect panty dropper.
This is the type of shit that will cure Communism …
SPF, bruh: Sunscreen you pasty motherfucker. That shit is expensive so bring your own. And no I’m not lathering your back. Buy the spray kind. End rant.
What to do:
NYC: Whatever you do, do not go into NYC. I repeat, do not go into NYC. It will be more empty than when Bane took over “Gotham” in The Dark Knight Rises. Since you’re on this site, I’ll assume you can’t afford the Hamptons, so the Jersey shore it is. I’m no Miss Cleo but I see fist pumping, fake tans, funnel cakes … and likely an STD are in your future.
Austin: Time to channel your inner Step Brother: it’s all about boats n’ hoes, er, boats or pool parties. The Austin definition of an outdoor BBQ is out on a party barge as Jimmy Buffett pipes through the speakers.
Boston: It’s only fitting that you visit the birthplace of the American dream on MDW. So when you’re done walking the Freedom Trail, go get your Samuel Adams on at Boston Calling, Beantown’s biggest music festival. This year’s got a ‘monstah’ lineup including Sia, Odesza, Miike Snow and more.