Hip to be Square: Nerds Complete Their Takeover of the World This Week

Full disclosure: I have NEVER watched a full episode of Game of Thrones, unless you count a compilation of topless scenes my roommates invoked in Season 2 as a last ditch effort to get me to join their Sunday evening AV club. Otherwise I have blindly, and blissfully, meandered through existence for 5 years with nary a fuck given about that blonde chick’s dragons and being ignorant as to what the “Winter is Coming” memes on Facebook meant. My hater blockers have shielded me from the insufferable fanboys and allowed me to belittle them as one-step-above-Harry-Potter diehards, and as a comic con, cos-play minority living on the fringe of society.

But it was somewhere around the Red Wedding that made me realize this show had captured the nasally LARP-er side of seemingly respectable members of society. But this Monday’s GOT hangover started to make me question what type of alternate reality I was living in where a guy that looks like George R.R. Martin gets more tail than Leo at Cannes. A few years ago the death of a fictionalized Steven Avery (read: Hodor) would have only showed up on the radar of a guy who masturbates to anime. But GOT, an fantasy-fiction show not incredibly far off in plot twists from Xena Princess Warrior, has penetrated all strata of society.

It’s a humbling moment to say the least when an executive wearing a custom Italian suit shouts “Hodor, hold the door!” at you. I guess it’s naive to think that the high school quarterback and prom king stereotyped in Tom Petty lyrics are the picture of “swag” anymore. But how did a spin off of Lord of the Rings permeate and infatuate beyond the science fair winning, Twitch binging, Magic the Gathering crowd?

What can only be described as the “Social Network effect” (the movie) has infected the populous more quickly than the fear of Zika virus. What is the “Social Network effect” you ask? It’s a complete uprooting of cultural norms where type A, alpha dogs are taking a backseat to introverted MIT grads in hoodies and K-Mart jeans who are changing the world one Pied Piper at a time. They are the socially conscious, albeit asthmatic, rock stars of the new world order. You have to look no further than the Scripps Spelling Bee for Exhibit 1A of this societal paradigm. Not only are the nerds smart, but they are shedding their social handicaps to become more dangerous than the primates in Planet of the Apes:

Just when you hoped the revenge of the nerds had climaxed, a fringe sporting Southeastern Asian went all Conor McGregor on the spelled word. We’ve had Johnny Football, Joey Bats and now we have Jangay Words, the cockiest motherfucker in the vowel game. He’s the One Man Thrill Ride meets Bill Nye. This is the kind of kid who goes to a Harvard-Yale basketball game with a sign that reads “I’ll be your boss one day.” Historically, swagger has been flushed out of nerds with swirlies and atomic wedgies sometime before 6th grade. But Janga ushers in a new generation of self aware nerds with the swag of MJ and the brain of Einstein. These are the scariest guys in the world: if they don’t get recruited by Anonymous to release your PornHub search history to the world, they’ll build Skynet in an afternoon and destroy humanity as we know it. Years of natural selection through cyber bullying has created the scariest kind of nerd there is: the designer nerd. So next time you hear that a startup gets round B funding, know that it’s worse than supporting to narcos or Islamic terrorists.

Nerds with confidence are being spotted more than Bigfoot in West Virginia …

Society likes and needs its needs like this guy.

This chubby Indian nerd is the harmless guy who lets all the popular girls copy his math notes in return for endless spank bank material. When he isn’t complaining to his mom to buy more Jergens he’s balls deep in a Neil Degrasse Tyson book or working on his MIT admission essay. The only thing surprising about his bio indicating that his favorite show is Game of Thrones, among other things that scream “premature ejaculator”, is that his mom lets him off of Words With Friends for an hour each week. America misses it’s old early 2000’s nerds: passing out, getting bloody noses at in opportune times and having a voice that will crack until they are 35.

So in a world where it’s becoming hip to be square, I’m calling for action against the nerd infestation. We’re being attacked from all angles, as they penetrate mainstream media and are gaining the social awareness of their spot on the spectrum. The obvious way to defeat them is by challenging them to sports, bringing girls around, or cutting off their food source: Monster Energy Drink and Totinos Pizza Rolls their mom made for their LAN party . So before SQL becomes our official language and ESPN the Ocho starts airing video game tournaments instead of trick shot pool, we need a fearless bully to pave the way to salvation. If only there were an arrogant, xenophobic, nerd-hater running for president who could round up all the hybrid nerd-trolls and send them on a one way mission to blow up a fake asteroid before it ends the world, while Aeromsith is plays in the background. If only.