A Woeful Breakdown of a ‘Basic’ Bachelorette Party

I’m 25 years old, which, in the typical American sociological progression of life (read: movies), means I’m of “marriage age.” The age where I’m supposed to be planning a...

I’m 25 years old, which, in the typical American sociological progression of life (read: movies), means I’m of “marriage age.” The age where I’m supposed to be planning a glorified prom that costs more than what I owe Sallie Mae, while also somehow looking flawless in a white dress that I’ll probably spill red wine on.

Luckily for my slightly positive bank account, I’m an anomaly in the “Jack and Diane” progression of life. My day of holy matrimony is as far off as America seeing an end to Trump’s republican triumphs. #HelpUsCanada

While I may not be tying the knot anytime soon (unless that knot is atop a garbage bag full of brown glass bottles), I do have a summer, and I mean a SUMMER, packed full of my peers who followed that expected life plan to a T. My June, July and August are brimming with wedding showers, baby showers and you guessed it: bachelorette parties.

Oh, bachelorette parties. A night of male genital-shaped straws, crowded bars and Pinterest-inspired decorated sashes. Not familiar with this laundry list of expectations and events? Let me break it down for you, before it breaks you down:

The typical characters

The bride

She’s the one in a different color dress, which is mandatory and used as a way to stand out for yet another day. She’s pretty hard to miss in her DIY crafted, end of the night trashed-sash over her carefully manicured outfit. She flirts too much and gives too many ‘omg I love you so much’ hugs. Occasionally, she will break down and call her future husband to declare her love and thankfulness she isn’t one of the single girls. See also: the one who wakes up severely hungover with glitter in her hair.

The maid of honor

The maid of honor, aka the best friend or sister, is so excited this grand event of epic (disastrous) proportions—that has been on her calendar for months—is finally happening. Whether she is married or far from it, she will be in a fantastic mood all night long. A bridezilla in the making, she will have a cloud of potential party mishap formed anxiety over her head all night that no amount of alcohol can cure. See also: DD and buyer of rounds of shots.

The single girl

She’s either there in remorse or gratitude. Typically the token single girl will sulk in the corner all night or be the overly fun girl who thanks the good heavens that she gets to go home to an apartment where the toilet seat is always down. The single girl is usually down for anything, and has no reason to not get super wasted and stay out late. She will bring this up often. See also: the girl singing Single Ladies all. night. long.

The mom/wife

Besides the bride, this character is definitely the drunkest. As someone who never gets to go out anymore since she tied the knot or decided to procreate, she uses this night as an excuse to drink everything, and I mean everything, in sight. She will constantly whine about her kids, her job and/or her husband. Actually, she will definitely vent about her husband and their lack of emotional (and physical) connection. See also: woo girl.

The wanderer

She’s Jessa from GIRLS (minus the laundry list of addictions). The one who will show up wearing anything besides the assigned color, probably a mis-matched ensemble she found in her Aunt Mary’s closet. She could be single, taken, married, divorced or back for two weeks in between stints aboard. She’s there for support, but hating every second. She’ll down a few shots or glasses of pink liquor, always with a smile on her face of course, but secretly she’s just planning her Irish goodbye. This will occur when everyone’s too drunk to notice or care. See also: the girl who enjoys this article.

The typical activities

The pre-hotel room gathering

The hotel room sets the stage for the night. Typically one room is reserved, encouraging all parties involved to get drunk enough that sleeping on the floor and/or on someone else’s leg is comfortable and seemingly normal. The room is usually decorated in male genitalia and girly-like colors. The room is also loaded with lots of vodka, Kinky and other female-skewed liquor.

The Mr. and Mrs. quiz

Whoever invented this quiz probably tested it on their married-for-50-years grandparents and figured it was the right thing to do. When playing, to ensure all the guests know just how cute and perfect the future couple is, make the questions super sappy and easily answerable. Aimed to see how well the future Mr. and Mrs. know each other, I have a feeling this game is somehow rigged (answered by the MOH). Typically played while sipping sugary liquid out of a penis straw.

The underwear gift giving

I’m guessing whoever decided this was a good thing to do never got on the Victoria Secret’s mailing list. Maybe it’s just me, but I’m pretty picky when it comes to my personables. I love my friends, but I doubt they can pick out just the right style that I typically go for. Let’s just give each other hugs and free drinks from now on, OK?

The sucker bouquet

Aimed at suckers, this bouquet is a great way to attract suckers to suckers, and come away a few bucks richer. It will also gain a following of desperate men who took the ‘suck for a buck’ meaning a little too literal. Not to be confused with the ‘dollar dance’ which is rated G, for ‘generosity only.’

The bar hopping  

The endless, endless amount of ‘drink one and move on’ game. No one has cash, so you have to open a tab and then close it right away. You finally settle into a booth when all of a sudden you’re forced to get back up again, but damn Susie is in the bathroom, again, making the group wait outside of the bar, gathered together for warmth in the winter or spaced just far enough apart in the summer night to avoid sweat rubs. The bar hop will typically end at a loud, usually-never-visited bar with dimmed lights, terrible music and a sticky floor meant for dancing. Shots at this stop are highly required.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have some penis necklaces to begrudgingly buy.

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