Road Rules: The Road Trip Commandments

Summer is officially upon the greatest country in the world, the US of A, and that can mean only one thing: road tripping season. With oil prices lower than...

Summer is officially upon the greatest country in the world, the US of A, and that can mean only one thing: road tripping season. With oil prices lower than cases of Natty Light, there’s a 98% chance you’ll be cramming that camping gear the very convincing salesman at REI conned you into buying, into the trunk of your car. Road trips can go one of two ways: they will be one of the best experiences of your young meaningless life, or a mosquito ridden adventure straight through hell. Follow our simple list of commandments (Old Testament style, respeck), and you will be well on your way to having the road trip Instagram posts of your dreams.

Thou shall not forget the auxiliary cord: Unless you’re super into NPR and/or the local emergency channel, it’s crucial you have that music hookup.  An aux cord has prevented more road rage murders than Xanax and back seat therapists combined. It’s science. So get the summer playlist prepped beforehand, and download those podcasts. Nobody likes a data hog. Personal Podcast Recs: 2 Dope Queens, Truth and Iliza.

Thou shall go at least 5 over the speed limit: Everyone knows the real limit is actually 5 over, and if you plan on traveling any distance that takes more than 3 hours this is a must. If you’re of the “slow and steady” school of thought, don’t offer to drive and pretend the left lane doesn’t exist because you don’t deserve that privilege. Find the sweet spot between Dale Earnhardt and student driver and make sure to have one female ready to turn up the cleavage for a get out of jail free card.

Thou shall pack responsibly: It can be tempting to throw all 3 of your hair-related appliances in your bag, especially since said bag doesn’t have to fit unreasonable size expectations to be charged an arbitrary dollar amount to be shoved into a tiny compartment above your head. That being said, you are not a Kardashian and you don’t need 4 bags for 3 days. Respect the communal trunk space and skip that 2nd pair of chucks.

Thou shall bring the dog: You didn’t fly because you’re poor, bring Fido with you and revel in it. Rover’s head hanging out the window as you pass a big rig somewhere in the Nevada desert is the stuff of SnapChat story dreams.

Thou shall not hog the snacks: Selecting the correct snacking delicacies is one of the most important skills a road warrior can master, and there’s nothing worse than your girlfriend eating all the organic jerky. Unless your stomach is rumbling with a chance close-calls the entire road trip, you didn’t select correctly. Meat in stick form, cheese balls, 711 taquitos, Big Gulps and gummy worms are the road trip breakfast of champions.

Thou shall know thy bladder: Be a GD adult; know your coffee consumption to bowel movement timetable. Hydration is important, but not as important as avoiding being that car passenger: the one who has to pee every 45 minutes. I’m looking at you, hippie college friends who insisted on washing their green juice down with non-GMO, farm-to-table water every time they stepped in the car.

Thou shalt accept the curve balls: There will be traffic, bad baristas, and near death experiences at truck stops. Take it all in stride, and realize that no trip is ever perfect. At the end of the day, you’re free to drive anywhere in this country and enjoy all the adventures along the way. Unless of course you’re murdered by a deranged trucker somewhere outside of Omaha.


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