With Father’s Day in the rear view mirror, we can go back to complaining to our shrink about how our parents failure to give us Dunkaroos for lunch during middle school gave us an inferiority complex and trust issues. A trip down memory lane that’s littered with rogue Lego pieces that get lodged in your dad’s foot and that Zebra gum that lost it’s flavor in 4 seconds reminds you of what a little asshole you were when you were younger. You wanted everything from Toys R Us more than Steve from Blues’s Clues wanted to shoot up in the bathroom.
So let me take you down my wish list of stupid shit during my days as a sticky-fingered, foul smelling, ungrateful little shithead (as brought to you by Stick Stickly):
Muzzy was the original Rosetta Stone. Knowing they taugh French for free in high school and not buying this for me was probably the smartest thing my parents ever did.
Devil Sticks are the close relative of the hackey sack and your dad not letting your mom get these for your 7th birthday is the reason you’re not a virgin.
This guy FUCKS:
I mostly wanted the leather jacket and wheelchair gloves that kid was wearing but unfortunately for me they didn’t make size “early onset child obesity”
This and Wild and Crazy kids should have been Olympic sports.
What kinda kid takes a telescope? I had my whole path planned out, and there sure wasn’t any time for astronomy. And what kinda pedohpile did they have collecting all the little kid’s ages and home addresses for this sweepstakes?
The only thing that I ever wanted half as much as being on Nickeolodeon’s Super Toy Run was going to MTV’s Springer Break: