The Recipe for a Perfect 4th of July

Put this in your pipe and smoke it Pinterest. This is the kinda recipe that makes Marth Stewart quiver at the knees and gives the Epic Meal Time guys...

Put this in your pipe and smoke it Pinterest. This is the kinda recipe that makes Marth Stewart quiver at the knees and gives the Epic Meal Time guys fear boners.

Historical Note: This recipe was created by Martha Washington and delivered directly by carrier bald eagle to the troops at Valley Forge.

Approximately 61 of the most American ballads of all time that are Samuel Adams vetted and General Patton approved. Our 4th of July playlist is what “NOW! That’s What I Call American Music” would sound like.

More than a sprinkle of unbridled Patriotism.

Roughly 100 tons of sand and a cancer inducing amount of UV rays. If you aren’t out there getting your David Hasselhoff on while risking melanoma then you probably support terrorism.

1 part shitty Corporate gig. “The man’s” right to put the America in Corporate AMERICA would be revoked if you didn’t get a half day Friday and the day off on Monday. This perk ranks somewhere between a 401k and white, male privilege that affords you 30% higher salary than women.

A shit ton of meat. Some old stand-bys:

  • 150 pounds of spit-roasted roasted swine
  • A Costco sized helping of Nathan’s Hot Dogs so you can get your Joey Chestnuts on
  • Steak. Mmm, steak:

At least 17 off-sides jokes about the most powerful army in the world being defeated by a bunch of farmers who went on to create the greatest country this world has ever seen. And don’t forget to kick ’em while they’re down with some friendly #Brexit, #Regrexit and Iceland soccer team trolling.

2 buddies who face federal felony charges to cross state lines with explosives. May they get their JPP on in relative safety. But, if he has taught us anything, it’s that what doesn’t blow you apart only makes you better at professional sports.


4 barbecue invites. Multiple invites are key. They can be used as a valuable get out of jail free cards to escape the dreaded, obligatory coworker ‘cue.

1 shitty rehash of an alien movie. 

464 fluid ounces of Luke warm American Freedom in a can that is produced by a Dutch company.

1 Trump supporter. It’s not a party until your uncle starts getting really racist.

A hearty helping of lawn games.

A healthy serving of patriotism porn.

.. and 240 years of independence. Cue the explosions.

Categories
Feature
No Comment

Have something to say? Of course you do ...

LET'S TAKE THIS TO THE NEXT LEVEL.

RELATED BY

%d bloggers like this: