My Father’s Day this year started off with a call to my dad that ended in him telling me he’s now engaged to his 28 year-old girlfriend; which was quickly succeeded by another call in which he informed me they’re shooting for a July 4th weekend wedding date.
Now, rather than get down about the fact that I will now have to spend what would have been a super American, booze-filled weekend watching my dad marry a woman 18 months older than me, I quickly channeled all of that resentment into useful writing energy for you, revelers.
If you’re one of the few who still live in a traditional, nuclear, 2-parent household, and post statuses on how thankful you are for your parents’ love and support when you get that new head barista job at Starbucks, this field guide is for you. For when you finally hold down a tinder dude long enough that he takes you home to meet his fucked up family, you’ll know what to expect, from the handsy grandpa to the super Jewish brother. From my weird family to yours, please enjoy this helpful field guide.
Latin Name: Gouldous Diggerous
In a recent study, Stanford found that 90% of women younger than 30 marrying men over 60 are not doing it for the sex. Native to most plastic surgery clinics, the New Mommy species are identified by their bright, flashy feathers and excellent prenup lawyers. Never approach new mommy in the wild; rather, let them come to you and respond in single word sentences to retain sanity.
The Cousin that Jumps on any Trend Bandwagon
Latin Name: Annoyingus as fuckus
This cousin is found mainly in large cities or the west coast, and you will see them at family gatherings only when dairy is guaranteed not to be present. When feeling combative, said cousin will broach the topic of gluten, cold press juices, and/or immunizations causing autism. Should you see this cousin at more than one gathering in a year, be prepared for he/she to have a totally different opinion on the same topic discussed last time and become aggressive should you mention the disparity.
Latin Name: Creepyious Terry
If your uncle’s name is Terry, just know that he’s done something reaaaaalll weird in the sexual department. Probably involves small children. While considered a predator, this one is easily susceptible to video game distraction.
Latin Name: En El Closte
These nephews are generally just hitting puberty, live somewhere in middle America, and can’t come out of the closet due to fear of public tar and feathering at the hands of an ignorant mob. Once this nephew evolves from pimpled teen to chiseled skinny jean-wearing Phoenix, he will plan your bachelorette party and it will be glorious.
Latin Name: Collegiate Never Endous
You know this one. Joined SAE, never left, and now can be spotted in the local dive bar next to a toothless dude named Jim who also doubles as a weird prophetic mirror. Bright side, your bro will make you look like Emma Watson to your parents.
Born Again Grandma
Latin Name: Holiest Rollerous
During development, this grandma could be found around, near, or in a kissing booth with one of her many admirers. Nowadays, she will be wearing the blue starched dress and en route to church/bible study/the matchmaking session for your future marriage to a nice boy named after the New Testament. Survival tip: don’t use the phrase “spiritual” within a 5 miles radius of this species.
Trump Supporting, Mouth-Kissing Aunt
Latin Name: Fucking Delusional
While you may survive encounters in the wild with all other modern family members, you will not make it out of here unscathed. *RUN AWAY IMMEDIATELY OR FACE IGNORANCE-INDUCED DEATH*