May you narrowly avoid “death by Pokemon Go” today, Revelers …
Nintendo’s stock price is through the roof. Riding the coattails of Pokemon Go to billions of new dollars in valuation, Nintendo is taking over the f*cking world.
- Why it matters: At the current pace, every human being is set to be infected with the virus that is Pokemon Go by 2 PM tomorrow. The last hold out, an onery WW2 vet, will cave as his grandkids mercilessly heckle him (and he realizes retirement homes are a great place to catch ghost Pokemon).
Britain’s new Prime Minister. Theresa May, former Home Secretary, is next in line to be the PM as Andrea Leadsom left the race.
- Why it matters: England is so cute when it tries to play politics.
- Not so hot take: It’s so distinctly British to NOT choose someone with “Lead” in their name to be the head of state. SMH.
UFC sold. For $4 billion.
- Why it matters: Who knows what this will do to the sport, but we know Dana White is doing two chicks at the same time tonight.
- Not so hot take: Think UFC ever wished it went into the completely-made-up-creature, augmented-reality space instead?
Derek Jeter tied the knot. The Captain inexplicably got married over the weekend.
- Why it matters: Two words: Tiger Woods.
- Not so hot take: Seriously Derek, TIGER. WOODS.
Tim Duncan to retire. The Big Fundamental announced his retirement yesterday.
- Why it matters: The Saturday morning men’s league in San Antonio will never be the same.
- Not so hot take: Was Duncan the original Caitlyn Jenner? He prefered the layup to the dunk (“they both count for two”) and a crisp bounce pass to the no look dish. So was he a WNBA player trapped in an NBA body this whole time?
Giancarlo Stanton won the HR derby. He hit approximately 700 home runs.
- Why it matters: Unless you’re a degenerate gambler with prop bets all over something as irrelevant as the All Star Game, it doesn’t. But I’d like to take this time to remind Giancarlo of the Madden Cover Curse of MLB, which includes going from Barry Bonds to Rey Ordonez over night. Oh, and hitting 61 home runs is probably the quickest way to go to the top of the PED testing list.
- Not so hot take: I hate to go all “back in my day” but what happened to the days when home run hitters would come into the All Star break on pace to hit 100 home runs? Give me (black) Sammy Sosa vs. Richie Sexson every day of the week.