It’s a sad state of affair in Rhode Island’s gentrified older cousin (that’s CT for all the uneducated, oil platform working, Big 12 fans). The AAC is a worse fit for UCONN than a gay club is for your republican uncle. So Big 12 proprietors, hear me out. I’m not above begging, lying and cheating UCONNs way into the conference but I am definitely below giving legitimate reasons for letting us in. So without further adieu …
We don’t have much else. Connecticut is like New York and Boston’s little brother who’s always stuck at the kids table and is picked last for dodgeball. Our professional sports landscape is like the economy and job outlook in Detroit. Simply put, we don’t have a lot else going on. But that also means we’re the metaphorical “big girl” of the tri-state area – we always try harder. *wink wink*.
We aren’t Baylor. Nuff said.
We are a feeder to the WNBA. Sure Texas and Oklahoma are NFL factories, but UCONN breeds Bernice’s. 3/4 of the league came through Storrs and there’s a reason they command $17,000 per season.
You can beat up on us. We’re not above selling our souls to get into a power conference. Our football team is the Little Giants and the rest of the Big 12 are the Pee-Wee Cowboys, except there’s no miraculous feel good story at the end of this movie. We’ll gladly touch our toes and let conference teams put up early season patsy game, D1-AA type numbers, on us. Maybe we’ll even let Texas win.
That men’s hoops, though. Do yourself a favor, dust off the VCR and fire up Blue Chips. UCONN doesn’t just produce Hall of Famers, it produces the second best basketball player acting as a basketball player in film, who is not in Space Jam.
Expanded fan base. Let’s be honest, with the addition of West Virginia, the Big 12’s fan base doesn’t exactly scream “educated” and “full mouth of teeth.” If you asked a sketch artist to draw a typical Big 12 fan it would probably look like a cross between Fat Joe circa 1999 and Mick Foley. Connecticut might not be known for their football talent, but they aren’t known for executing mentally retarded people. Just saying.
The other options. Really, ECU? And BYU? BYU leads the country in pent up sexual tension, boners tucked into belts and designated drivers, but is a piss poor choice of a Big 12 school. If Blue Moutain State taught us anything it’s that college football is 80% drug and alcohol fueled antics, 19% orgies and 1% of montage-speed practices. ECU is the place where dreams go to die and who’s student body is mostly comprised of Duke or UNC rejects. Sad but true. Houston and SMU have a distinct advantage being in the sandbox peppered with gun ranges and Arby’s that is Texas. But what have you done for me lately? Raise your hand if you’ve had a 30 for 30 made about being the only football program to get the death penalty or if Hakeem Olajuown was the last relevant player coming out of your program. And as for Memphis, Colorado State, South Florida and Central Florida: better luck next year.
The AAC is a travesty. This conference brings shame to the American name. It would be more fitting to name it after a third world country to better capture it’s lack of respect, underfunding and constant raping and pillaging at the hands of the powerful conferences. It’s disrespectful to the UCONN brand to be associated with such an irrelevant clusterfuck of sports teams.
The Big 12 isn’t thattttt good. This is my last ditch effort to exploit the oldest trick in the book, “the Mean Girl method.” By lowering your self esteem I hope that you’ll open up just enough to let us slip through the cracks, because if there’s one thing this state school education taught me, it’s how to slip through the cracks.