It’s Friday night. Your single friends are at the bars, airing out their desperation while your coupled pals are content to stay in to “Netflix and chill” (read: start excavating each other’s no-no like gophers on a golf course before the opening credits of Bloodline have even finished). But what if I were to tell you of a way to combine your love of getting trashed with your natural aptitude for judging other people? What if I were to reveal to you… THE TINDER DRINKING GAME?
You will need:
*Tinder (please don’t make me “obvi” you).
*A single die.
*Sit in a circle with your phones out—gameplay starts with the eldest player and moves to the left. Whatever number you roll is the number of swipes you must complete in either direction.
If you land on a(n)…
*”Normal” Person –A good rule of thumb is if this person seems like someone you might be able to have a conversation with at a bar, they count as “normal.” Sorry, Virgo hiking enthusiasts who love craft beer and golden retriever puppies—you’re not quite the zany outsider you think you are.
RULE: Take ONE drink for a profile with multiple photos and a bio; TWO drinks for a profile with no bio, no pictures, or both; THREE drinks for a profile with bad inspirational quotes and/or unreasonable demands from somebody frequenting a hookup app (i.e. “I refuse to date men shorter than six feet”).
*Fitness/Glamor Selfie – Whether it’s a bro flaunting his “sick” six-pack, or a girl pushing her cleavage so high that she’ll surely suffocate if she looks down at her feet, Tinder is a breeding ground for narcissists who only wanna make boom-boom with other narcissists.
RULE: Take a body shot off somebody in the room. EXTREME RULES: Take the body shot off another player according to the corresponding body part shown in the picture. Just pray taint selfies never catch on.
*Redneck – Your definition of “redneck” will vary from place to place, but the hallmarks are usually the same. Boobie tattoos, a dead deer in the back of the pickup, and a bulging lower lip crammed with a wad of Skoal the size of a baby’s head are just a few dead giveaways.
RULE: Throw on a lobster bib and hunch over the sink—you’re shotgunning a beer. EXTREME RULES: Smash two beers together and chug ‘em like Stone Cold Steve Austin.
*Snapchat Filter – Be it puppies, face swaps, or faerie wreathes and bulging eyes that make you look like a white girl slamming pure MDMA at Coachella, Snapchat filters are a great way to say, “look how much fun I am!” without betraying the fact that you’ve never had an original creative thought since first achieving sentience as a baby.
RULE: Just as Snapchat “filters” do nothing to blunt unmitigated self-obsession, so too are you powerless to stop what’s about to happen to your drink. Everybody pours a little bit of his or her beverage into your cup—beer, vodka cran, SoCo and Diet Coke, the works. Drink up!
*Group Photo – The group photo is either simple oversight, or a ploy to trick people—it can’t be both. And frankly, I’m not sure what’s worse, unwittingly using a group photo and not understanding how that completely defeats the purpose of Tinder, or intentionally trying to fool speed swipers who’d rather shoot first and ask questions later. Unless you’re eight fuck buddies looking for a ninth for your pansexual orgy, get that shit outta here.
RULE: First, all players must arrive at a consensus—who is the hottest person in the group photo? Once that’s established, you take bets on whether the account actually belongs to the undisputed “hottest.” If you choose correctly (“hot” or “not”), you get to give out a drink to one of the losers. If you answer incorrectly, you take a drink—plus whatever the winners throw at you. EXTREME RULES: If you want to bet on one individual in the photo, you can log that pick. Win, and everybody else finished his or her drink. Lose, and you finish your drink on the spot.
*Someone in the Room – That awkward moment when you pop up on your friend’s Tinder account and she calls you out for describing yourself as “spiritual”—you, who once used a Bible as a coke plate.
RULE: You and the other person have thirty seconds to make out in front of everyone. If you can’t/won’t, the other players get to determine your humiliation.
The game stops when you run out of daily allotted likes, or black out—whichever comes first. Feel free to add your own rules and find new ways to say, “see you in Hell” to your best friends’ livers. And as always, swipe responsibly.