Recently we were blessed with a real bang up piece of journalism. The stuff only a true gumshoe could uncover. The kinda piece that gives the people at the Pulitzer foundation all the feels and likely a written word boner.
The Jane Goodall of cube monkeys broke the biggest LinkedIn story of the year: our office jobs are killing us. Wait, what’s that? You already knew this? Bill Nye taught you this in circa 1994 and Ms. Frizzle confirmed it during the Gulf War? The second Gulf War or the first one?
We all knew our office jobs were killing us. And not just in the second semester University of Phoenix philosophy major “we’re all dying a little bit every day” sense of the word. Literally killing us as in Microsoft Office is anthrax and we’re a senator in 2001. It doesn’t take Stephen Hawkins to speech synthesize to you that sitting for 8 hours a day, eating Panera bread 4 days a week and stressing mindlessly even though “you’re not saving lives” is going to kill you quicker than you think. It’s going to take a lot of FitBitting and happy hour priced Mich Ultras to save you from an untimely death.
But I’m a glass half full guy. An eternal optimist. I like to think that all dogs go to heaven and chivalry isn’t dead. So as worrisome as this death by cubicle and monthly birthday celebrations seems, there are some distinct opportunities presented by this sedentary lifestyle that would make John Candy proud, namely, the “Dockers’ bod.”
Since your soul was first ripped from your decaying corpse like a human sacrifice in Temple of Doom, your dress code as an inmate in corporate America has consisted of Keurig stained Brooks Brothers shirts and a set of well starched, pleated slacks that would make Brett Favre trade in his Wranglers. Almost always from Macy’s and never bought at full price, these pants scream Jim Harbaugh. But the brotherhood of the travelling khakis is nothing without its Jake from State Farm to rock them.
There’s a certain je ne se qua about a gelatinous mid-section that shouts “I’ve never met a second helping I didn’t like” yet is gentle on the eyes in its soft never ending curves. The dad bod has gotten a lot of press over the past few months, but there’s something to be said for the “Dockers’ bod.” Not to be confused with the it’s paternal cousin, this versatile body type is a favorite of middle management and B2B salesmen alike. Best paired with tucked in golf shirts without undershirts and erectile dysfunction, this is a favorite of casual Friday’s. Business, meet pleasure.
In the wild these men could be confused with movie theater general managers or VPs at the Verizon store. But just as this look can harness less power than a mall cop, it can embody leaders of the free world.
This body that is chiseled from jello typically consists of an inviting double chin and a belly that bounces like a ziploc bag full of cottage cheese when provoked by belly laugher. The signature characterizing feature that differentiates it from the “dad bod” or “fat slob” (see: Cheis Farley) are a spare tire that sticks out between 4-6 inches from the upper torso and guarantees not having seen genitalia without a mirror for at least 4 years. It doesn’t muffin top, but holds its form like the powerful muscle that it is. And what would this body be without a set of hard nipples caused by year’s of air conditioning and arousal by sales “wins”? Typically this full package is complete with well groomed thinning hair. A protective light layer of cellulite curated by half priced app consumption lines the body like a zombie apocalypse insurance policy, but is far from “fat f*ck.” It’s simply there to round out the edges. This body is built for comfort, not speed and is the best sales tool there is. Everybody trusts a chubby guy, he is the common man, he doesn’t make you feel bad about your own decaying body and most importantly you know he isn’t above a lunch at the gentlemen’s cabaret after closing that deal.
And he absolutely, 100%, undoubtedly drives a Sebring convertible.
Other identifying characteristics of this body include high waisted neutral colored Dockers that leave little to the imagination in the nether region. No belt is needed as a true Dockers’ bod will morph like an amoeba to fit its surroundings, but is often used to complete the well put together look. Sweater vests are common in the winters, and vests are an Autumn mainstay.
So it’s time to harness this gray area between in-shape college student and premature death. It’s time to grab corporate America by the balls and build a nest egg on your greatest asset, that midsection.