North Korea has been the quintessential “I’m not touching you” little brother of 3rd world countries. Like those birds that land on a hippos back or the flies circling around a cow’s taint they are the nagging ex who just doesn’t get the hint. But last week they went from harmless Facebook stalker to Craigslist killer that they make Lifetime movies about.
I’m no expert in foreign policy, but I’m pretty sure that North Korea’s declaration that Lady Liberty’s condemnation of their obese, gout-plagued leader is an act of war and is more than enough provocation. Cough *weapons of mass destruction* cough. This fight would be quicker than than Kimbo Slice vs. any white person ever during his viral video prime. This is a worse idea than that time Paul Walker tried to channel his inner Brian O’Conner. Too soon?
They just went from being a cute group of Asians playing dress-up, wearing WW2 era Japanese army regalia they picked up at the neighborhood army surplus store and hilariously starring next to Maaaat Danonnnnn in Team America to a candidate for going the way of Hiroshima. If nothing else, they at least deserve a very public wedgie at the hands of Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson for releasing a statement that makes them sound like a 15th century Puritan with a lisp: “We regard this thrice-cursed crime as a declaration of war.”
This has been years in the making. An old fashioned nerd bashing is just what the doctor ordered. Uncle Sam has got a locker with Kim Jong Un’s name on it.
I don’t see a better opportunity for Obama to secure his legacy than going absolutely HAM on Seth Rogen and James Franco’s favorite dictator. They don’t make vampire slayer biopics or James Cameron films about peace time presidents. And they sure as hell don’t name High Schools after leaders of the free world whose biggest accomplishment is implementing a socialist health care program. So Obama it’s time to giddy up, channel your inner Teddy Roosevelt, throw on some Toby Keith and get Seal Team 6 on the horn. It’s time to pad those stats, Mr. President.