(Debunking) Why Millennials Aren’t Boning as Much as their Parents

Spoiler: It’s not for lack of trying. It’s been a big news week. First the bomb drops that flossing is a conspiracy made up by your dentist who is...

Spoiler: It’s not for lack of trying.

It’s been a big news week. First the bomb drops that flossing is a conspiracy made up by your dentist who is a lot more like Tim Whatley from Seinfeld and a lot less like Jennifer Aniston in Horrible Bosses than you’d like. Now, there’s a “study” that indicates millennials aren’t having adult coed sleepovers as much as our soon to be slut shamed parental units. 

Is this just a ploy by the anti-millennial lobby in Washington to further drive the wedge into the divide that polarizes us and the generation than gave us AIDS and roller disco or is it simply a case of helicopter parenting gone wrong? Let’s put all the cards on the table, shall we? 

Exhibit A: “You will get pregnant and die.”

The only plausible (read: angsty millennial) reason that there is even an outside chance that this is true is because of, well, Baby Boomers. These are the same people who wouldn’t let us cross the road without a leash and put safety caps on the children’s Tylenol. You’re the reason that white out is kept behind glass at Staples. Maybe if you let us experiment a bit rather than shoving participation trophies down our throats we’d be well adjusted human beings without a fear of intimacy.

We just don’t have as much game as our parents. This falls into the “it’s them, not us” category. When I think of my parents as adolescents and teenagers I imagine everyone looked a lot like Matthew McConnaughey in Dazed and Confused. The United States in the 70’s was basically a drug fueled orgy with protests and a President. Everyone was picking up sixers, cruising to the water tower in their muscle car and saying “alright, alright, alright.” No wonder nobody could keep their genitals in their bell bottomed pants.

We’re too busy. During their formative years our parents were in the back of an El Camino making worse decisions than Germans did in the election of 1932. We don’t forget. Our youth was spent popping ADHD pills and huffing pixie sticks while simultaneously beating Oregon Trail and catching em all. And instead of going parking at make out point with our steady we were working like a single mom to pay for the NOW 37 and a 1994 Dodge Neon.

Our heads are always in our phone. Classic Baby Boomer stereotype, but jokes on them. The smartphone is to dating what the Tommy gun was to mob whacks. It’s susceptible to collateral damage and can be dangerous in the wrong hands, but let’s you cast your seed far and wide. It’s an absolute game changer that broadens the glory hole that is the Internet from only deep web 14 year old Asian mail order brides and Craigslist encounters to a full scale buffet of sexual partners available at the swipe of a finger. This cavalcade of sexual flavors and accompanying applications has opened windows for those who could otherwise only get their jollys by knocking on public bathroom stalls or going to the local furry convention. Now you can find a cattle farmer from Oklahoma, a sexually deviant MILF from Akron and a gay Red Sox fan from the comfort of your favorite handicap stall at work. The Internet is an orgy waiting for you to get lubed up and dive in.

Or maybe, just maybe this “scientific study” is complete and utter bullshit? Here’s a fun fact about science: for about 1000 years, human beings, our intelligent, opposable thumb, hind leg walking ancestors thought that the world was flat. And this same species thought that drilling a hole in a patients head would solve a headache. Modern advances aside, the statistical integrity of this analysis is suspect at best. The study demographic enjoys playing games on their TI-83, long walks in the comic book store and can’t tell a clitoris from a Clefairy. Interviewing a bunch of people who would “rather be watching YouTube videos and making money” for this exercise is like only using $10 tranny hookers for a study on communicable diseases and intravenous drug use. I’ll just leave this dweeb bashing quote by a Harvard professor right here:

To Spack, the Harvard professor, that [not mashing genitals] is sad. “Everyone’s missing out on a good time,” he said.

But this article wasn’t all bad. After all, there was no interview with a conservative right wing evangelist who stopped protesting outside of Planned Parenthood long enough to blame our generations lack of sexual promiscuity on our infatuation with porn and the false realities it creates about intimacy. There is a God.

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