Maybe you watch the news, maybe you see the headlines, but there’s no denying these are trying times in the good ol’ US of A. There are a number of issues at large: Black Lives Matter, Trump v. Hilary, acts of violence against LGBTQ’s, gun control, ISIS, and so much more. With all of these storylines playing out before our eyes, are we overlooking what could be the biggest movement of all? Legalizing ranch, brotendo!
Thanks to comedian, and Adult Swim talk show host, Eric Andre, New York City was taken over by passionate users and abusers of ranch. Much to the confusion of the residents of the metropolis, the “Ranch” store opened downtown on 2 Rivington Street on the last weekend of July. A couple mellow Mikes worked the store, probably improv comedians themselves, and gave away free merch. T-shirts, hats, stickers, pins, skinny girl ranch, ranch mints, ranch air fresheners, ranch flavored Pringles. At one point, the guy working the door stopped an old Asian woman and promptly said: “Look everyone! My mom showed up!”, and of course everyone in the store greeted her with a pleasant, “Hi, Mom!” in unison. Mind you this guy was 6’3’ and black. Needless to say the scene was ridiculous. They even had a working ranch fountain, coupled with proper dipping foods like celery and chips. And if you were really feeling brave, you could chug an entire bottle of ranch, and or cut nipple holes in your shirt, for the chance to receive a limited edition item (it was a ranch bottle strung to some Mardi Gras beads). Believe me, more than one person participated, sucking that ranch bottle dry to bone.
It wasn’t all love though, later on Friday night, two protestors arrived on the scene. With their mouths taped shut they held signs that read “Ranch is Sin” and “God Hates Ranch”. In response, the simple Simons working the store hugged them, then started a raucous chant. “Ranch it up! Ranch it up! Ranch it up!” rang through the streets, symbolizing the unity, the power that ranch had on the whole of the people, past and present, that had stepped foot in that store. Unfortunately Eric wasn’t there the day I was, but there’s no doubt he took the level of insanity to a whole new level from what I saw on Twitter/Instagram …
— HOMELESSPIMP (@Homelesspimp) July 30, 2016
What does it all mean? Where do we go from here? If there’s anything I know about things like this, it’s probably time to evangelize. Ranch it up in your city, hit the streets, mulattos. Don’t be hoverboarding Trumps, let them know where you stand. You stand with ranch! And if you get caught vandalizing, don’t blame it on me, narcs!