Usain Bolt isn’t American, You Guys

If you were a fan of the Cowboys in the mid-90’s but have never been to Texas, became a supporter of the Patriots somewhere between Drew Bledsoe’s last game and Tom Brady’s first Super Bowl and already have a KD, Warriors jersey, brace yourself, this may come as a bit of a shock: Usain Bolt in NOT American.

The land of the free and the home of Cici’s Unlimited Pizza Buffet has a nasty habit of stealing whatever it damn well pleases and asking questions later: oil fields in the Middle East, Elian Gonzalez and Hello Kitty come to mind. We’ve sodomized and commercialized entire cultures in one fell IPO with the likes of Taco Bell and Panda Express. We’re the anti-Robin Hood, a country built on stealing from the poor and giving to the rich.

Wipe that 2012 Olympics Bob Costas conjunctivitis from your eyes and take a look at what’s happening: we’re Americanizing Usain Bolt more than Olive Garden did Italian food. NBC’s Olympic media money machine had 4 stars this year: Michael Phelps, Katie Ledecky, Simone Biles and Usain Bolt. Let’s channel our inner 3rd grader and choose “which one isn’t like the others.” The Scrooge McDuck’s at NBC dove into their proverbial (regulation Olympic size) swimming pool of gold bullion on the backs of these freaks of nature. But can you really blame a group of rich, privileged white men for doing what rich privileged white men do?

The real culprits of this bastardization are the American people and their insatiable thirst for the latest viral star du jour. We’ve got a hankering for arrogance and dominance. And who embodies that more than Bolt? See: Cam Newton. So we’ve adopted, er, taken Bolt as our native son. This situation’s a lot like the way a strip club works: if you keep inserting money, the thrills keep coming. And we’ll keep riding Bolts coattails until we claim who rightfully isn’t ours next.  We haven’t been this enthralled with athletes from another nation since this squad:

The Olympics are a fantastic means to show national pride, watch the best athletes in the world and witness grown men poop themselves. But it’s also become a high school homecoming queen election with the winner being crowned America’s Next Top Athlete. Donning Wheaties boxes and starring in P&G commercials is much more lucrative than pawning that gold medal to Chumlee and Rick. Can you really blame him for exploiting us for everything we’re worth? The harsh reality of our “what have you done for me lately” society is that when the Live with Kelly and Michael appearances dry up and America forgets about the Olympics for 4 years, the only way Bolt will hold onto relevance is as a comparison for the sports newest star in a SportsScience segment or when the Cleveland Browns “mull over” a tryout.

So next time you’re spring breaking in Jamaica acting like Lamar Odom in a whore house with your back to back world war champs shirt on, don’t be surprised when your beef patty comes with an extra side of saliva.