In your 20’s, over half of your Facebook feed is devoted to engagement announcements, bachelor parties, and pictures from a weekend wedding that have bled over from Snapchat or Instagram. The remainder is filled with “All my friends are getting married or having babies, and I’m over here with my cat” memes that people post in attempt to seem snarky, while compartmentalizing the fact that they may actually end up single forever.
And you know what? No one cares.
This is coming from a woman who watches Say Yes to the Dress for sport, and who has pinned more than one wedding-related item to a board long forgotten on Pinterest. I say with the most absolute confidence: I do not care to consume anything about your wedding, or vaguely related to it.
Don’t misunderstand me, I think love is beautiful. Learning how to cohabitate and share your life with another human being is hard and rewarding at the same time. Your wedding should be a lovely celebration with close friends and family. That being said, marriage is a business arrangement; founded on women being traded off for cows and land, and now performed mainly for tax deductions and shared benefits- not the social event of the season to flaunt on social media.
So when a girl I barely talked to in college posts a pic of her large rock with the caption, “finally settling down, can’t wait to plan!”, please excuse me if I throw up a little in my mouth. You’re 26, so the ‘finally’ is a blatant hyperbolized lie, and the only people throwing genuine heartfelt “congrats” your way are those hoping to get super drunk at your reception, totally ignore you, and hunt for another single human who might be crazy enough to one day share a tax write-off with them.
If you still see the need for an entire day of celebration with 300 of your closest strangers to signify the closing of your business deal- I’m sure that your wedding day will be beautiful and expensive, and that everyone there will be in attendance solely for their own interest. Whether it is the promise of grandchildren to entertain your parents in their old age, the potential of you falling on your face for your husband’s ex who somehow made it to the invite list, or your maid of honor who’s already thinking of ways to trick the third groomsman into a relationship, almost everyone in that cramped country club reception hall will not have your marriage in the forefront of their mind.
So go forth, ye brides and grooms, and spend an absurd amount of money on one day that most people attend only for the open bar. Blow a house down payment-sized sum on the reception and then revel in those chintzy wedding gifts you receive, that you will divvy up 2 years later in the divorce. But please, for the love of Buddha, stop bragging about your gross gluttony for one event on every form of the internet known to man. Those who matter will be there to witness your love and get drunk on your parents’ dime.
From the bottom of my heart, fuck your wedding.