Is Barstool Sports the Hero The Internet Needs?

Welp, Gawker has gone the way of swiping your credit card and Pepsi Clear. God, I’d give my left nut to swipe my debit card while sipping the sweet nectar that is the soft drink equivalent of green ketchup. What a world we live in. The Spanish broadcaster Univision stole Gawker as we know it away from us like their demographic stole our migrant farm jobs. Or something like that. Like any mediocre Internet of thing that meets its demise on Al Gore’s almighty creation, it’s sure to leave a power vacuum that will make Libya look like the Scranton Dunder Mifflin branch post-Michael Scott’s departure. So who’s going to fill the void left by this heavyweight that was TKO’d by Hulk Hogan and Bubba the Love Sponge via the transitive cuckold property?

Here’s the answer the world is looking for:

(That’s Dave Portnoy for those of you who don’t know)

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You can chalk this piece up to me being a Stoolie or a Portnoy ride or die bitch and while admittedly I’ve guessed that ass more times than my mom would be proud of, I’m more of a second hand Stoolie. The casual reader who checks in after the interns say “Dude, did you see [INSERT OUTRAGEOUS INTERNET THING HERE] on Barstool?” If showing up fashionably late to the party wasn’t proof enough of my unbiased opine, my appreciation of Bill Simmons should suffice.

But Portnoy and his stable of white dudes with WordPress accounts is changing the Interwebs. And there goes every female ever who over-the-shouldered their boyfriend peeping a Smokeshow and the 35+ white male demographic. But this rag-tag group of “journalists” that originated in Boston and spread like a venerial disease throughout the Northeast is calling to arms a media revolution to overthrow the oppression of the metaphorical red coats (Spoiler: traditional news and media). Have they been abrasive? Sure. Have they marginalized a few girls with daddy issues? You betchya. Have they blurred the line between immoral and illegal? They sure have, but you know who else ruffled a few feathers and got a panty or two in a bunch? John “Fucking” Adams, Rosa Parks and “Heel” Hollywood Hulk Hogan of early 2000’s WCW fame. When the Barstool crew biopic drops in 20 years, we’ll remember the moment we learned PFT’s real name, the Free Brady sit-in and how they changed the media landscape forever …

Better for this country’s male literacy rate than Hooked on Phonics. Getting a guy to read is like getting your girl to have a 3 way after date night at the Olive Garden when she overdid it on the breadsticks (since she did an extra Soul Cycle class that week). Journalists with fancy degrees, small walkup apartments and crusty white stuff in the corner of their mouth should be kissing the Barstool ring for getting more millennials to read than the promise of free pizza in middle school. When a Stoolie is done checking in on “Does This Look Like The Face of a Guy Who Eats Bath Salts And Masturbates On A Public Bus?” they may accidentally stumble onto that traditional news website of yours while trying to navigate to the Mind The Gap section of the Chive. For Christ sake, the last person to get this lost generation to read written words on a page was an animated aardvark best known for his incestual, yet absolutely hysterical memes:

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There’s plenty of blame to go around. The world needs a media scapegoat to blame all the ills of the world on. And who better than a bunch of former frat stars with an IDGAF attitude and shotty editing skills? Without Gawker, we need someone to post the stuff that isn’t quite Wikileaks material but falls right into the National Enquirer’s wheelhouse. Barstool can be our new TMZ with big, er, two syllable words. When Johnny Manziel finally hits rock bottom and is sucking dick for crack a la Tyrone Biggum, I’ll look to Barstool to have the grainy, burner camera phone footage.

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100% Organic. If the Washington Post is an AP English 2,000 word single spaced essay, Barstool is a handwritten middle school, “Will you be my girlfriend? Check Yes or No” note intercepted by the special Ed teacher. It’s raw, it’s poorly written and if a DJ remixed your internal monologue and G-Chats with your buddies during working hours, it would be this. It’s a relatable breath of fresh air that that media needs. Why shouldn’t you consume content the same way you talk to your friends at the bar? Barstool has done an uncanny job of being for the common man, by the common man.

This stuff “matters.” 

“But Tyler, they showed Tom Brady’s son’s dick! And they condone exposing your male bits in the name of a slain Cincinnati Zoo gorilla” – Every KO Barstool rider, ever.

What humbly started out as gambling advice, and graduated to Marry, Fuck, Kill has become so much more. With the hire of Riggs and the new direction brought on by the Chernin group, Barstool is becoming a one stop shop to consume news and distracting viral videos deep from the annals of Reddit. Barstool has become Google Transaltor from Queens English to millennial bro code, putting the stuff that matters in lay mans terms and linking back to the source in case you want to be a nerd and read WaPo. What they’re doing isn’t new. AOL, Yahoo and News 4 with Ron Burgundy suck you in with sex, drugs and viral video clickbait and sprinkle in a bit of fact to make you the well rounded imbecile you are.

Their brand might be permanently stamped with the NSFW label and their employees blacklisted by the Pulitzer Prize board, but Barstool is ushering in change. And their legions of cult-followers are proving that blog life isn’t just killing the newspaper star, it’s systematically massacring it. With an influx of capital and some semblance of leadership from a legitimate CEO, this isn’t something to be taken lightly. So buckle up classically trained word peddlers, the times they are a changin.