How to Win at Facebook

Facebook debates are in full swing, naturally, because election years bring out the best in people. Baby Boomers are especially good at them, and they’ve passed some of their...

Facebook debates are in full swing, naturally, because election years bring out the best in people. Baby Boomers are especially good at them, and they’ve passed some of their secrets onto certain younger folks in hope of carrying on the tradition of domination. Lucky for all of you, I happen to be observant enough to have caught on. So here’s the skinny, courtesy of your new best friend, me. You’re welcome.

  1. Insult your opponent as much as possible. This clearly proves that you’re going to win. Don’t bother getting creative, either. Stick to reminding them that you have more experience with this and make sure that you throw in a “you have no idea what you’re talking about” for good measure. It works for Donald Trump, so clearly it works for everyone.
  1. Under no circumstances should you do any fact checking. If you don’t know it, make it up. That’s the only way to really dominate a debate. Pull from anywhere in that headspace of yours and refuse to back down. The harder you defend yourself, the better. Anytime someone uses actual facts with a link, or an article from any reputable news source, be sure to remind them how “clearly biased” that piece is. Nobody trusts the media these days, amateur.
  1. Share articles with shady sources, like “christiansforthedeathofobama.net.” Bonus points if you can add passive aggressive notes to them, so get creative here! Keep in mind that we deduct points for tagging them, though, because that automatically makes everyone else question if you’re beating them or trying desperately hard to claw your way up from the bottom. Keep it simple, and don’t you dare look it up on Snopes.
  1. If all else fails, delete your friends who disagree with you. Unfriending people really shows them that they are not worth your intelligence, and better yet, it prohibits them from ever stealing your thunder. You’re better off leaving them to their own stupid self. Nobody can bring you down when you’re this high, baby.

Winning the internet is a real talent. Being open-minded and civil is so last century, so get out there and put those pointers to work. You’ll thank me later when everyone sees how smart and talented you are. Nobody will ever question your intelligence again, and if they do, well, you know how to handle them.

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