While we all truly enjoyed TeeTime’s blatantly sexist thoughts on women playing fantasy football, Entry Revel thought it was important that a human with the ability to bear children also provide some insight into the world of fake sports. As women, we really don’t hear nearly enough opinions of men on who we are or who we should be (read: every fucking social standard prior to Michelle Obama), so thank Buddha for the ground-breaking stereotypes our leader and chief so wittily spelled out, and then gave me the liberty to debunk. #blessed.
TeeTime Claim One: The girl whose husband/boyfriend is a b*tch.
Female Truth: Guys who fall into this category aren’t bitches or whipped, they’re the ones with a big enough pair to actually communicate with their S/O and include them in their life. You know why he want’s his girlfriend’s help on his fantasy draft? BECAUSE WE’RE SMARTER THAN YOU. Give any woman 20 minutes, a pack of floss, and an internet connection, and Bear Grylls will be shitting his pants because the new hit “Woman killed the Bear, while on her period” will be taking his UK ratings by storm. These men have recognized their true place in society, and for that, we commend you.
TeeTime Claim Two: She’s the “damsel in distress.”
Female Truth: ‘Whoring basic white girls’ are born from social constructs ingrained from an early age by a company by the name of Barbie. Every part of society tells us that to be successful as a woman, we should be seen as less than; in the hopes that a strong, strapping dude in a white Mercedes will one day whisk us off to a suburb where post partum depression hopefully won’t crush all of our dreams after the third blonde-haired blue-eyed kid. So, if a woman has decided to join your fantasy football league, and then uses emojis in the group chat, cut her some slack. She has been taught before she could even talk that to break into any masculine-dominated environment she must either flirt, fuck, or fail. Kudos to her for branching out and doing something scary…and maybe snag a future shithead husband in the process.
TeeTime Claim Three: She’s trying to be the “cool” girl
Female Truth: Have you ever seen There’s Something About Mary? Yea, so did we. In our formative years. Hollywood said, “go forth, be cool, and you will be Cameron Diaz!” We listened, and now we are the cool girls. Sorry your slam pieces don’t like us; I’ll pour an IPA out over their stiletto grave in your closet when you end up marrying me.
*Those slam pieces are humans too, so don’t ghost them.
TeeTime Claim Four: She’s a “feminist.
Female Truth: Literally no female has ever joined a fantasy football league for this reason. Feminists are way too busy tackling parts of culture that actually show hope of breaking through the glass ceiling; not a misogynistic sport that has met World of Warcraft and had a baby in Vegas where gambling reigns King. If that reference was too much for you, there’s a 90% chance you’re of the male species, and may have been responsible, in part, for the mortgage crisis.
TeeTime’s Final Claim: She “actually” likes football.
Female Truth: Many of us actually like football- without the sarcastic quotations. Despite Texas A&M coaching staff’s best efforts, women have left the KitchenAide mixer periodically during the games you had your buddies over, and realized that as red-blooded Americans they liked seeing dudes wreck each other. In fact, some of us actually make our (healthy) living off of the sport. While shocking, I can guarantee you that these walking paradoxes do exist, I am one of them, and I don’t own a set of male reproductive organs.
At the end of the day, women playing fantasy football vary greatly in size, shape, and motivation. They may do it because they like the sport, because there’s a hot dude in the league, or because “Fantasy Bachelor” doesn’t exist yet. Whatever the reason is, we’re entitled to not only play the game, but to win. Go get em’, ladies.