How the XFL could save the NFL

Tha XFL was every white person’s wet dream, a combination of their two favorite sports, a Ron Swanson-approved porterhouse wrapped in bacon, if you will. It was the Super...

Tha XFL was every white person’s wet dream, a combination of their two favorite sports, a Ron Swanson-approved porterhouse wrapped in bacon, if you will. It was the Super Smash Brothers of the sports world and Mr. McMahon was Bowser. 

Vince pulling the plug on the fakest show on turf was the single greatest blow to the pseudo-scripted sports world since Mike O’Malley called his last Aggro Crag race. What was essentially NFL Blitz IRL was over faster than Rick Pitino getting genital warts from a hooker with an Adam’s apple in the Downtown Louisville Ruby Tuesday’s family bathroom.

One could have know it was doomed to syndication, to be relegated the way of the USFL when it shared air time with Ayesha and Girlfriends on UPN. Or maybe it was just the wrong place at the wrong time.

One Will Smith movie, five Brett Favre dick pics and seven Patriot cheating accusations ago, the football landscape was a much different place. There is so much fundamentally wrong with the game that we need a rule official to join John Caliendo in Fox’s Broadcast booth. For Christ sake, Adele turned down the Super Bowl halftime show. Maybe, just maybe the XFL is exactly the hero we need …

Steroids. I don’t know about you but I like my football like my late 90’s baseball seasons: full of performance enhanced hits from guys who under substance controlled circumstances would just be happy to be there. The NFL has reigned in PED use whereas the WWE takes more of laissez-faire approach on the matter, that would Make Football Great Again.

CTE. The WWE looks the other way on CTE more than US overlooked over Lance Armstrong’s drug use during the Sheryl Crow years. Is a DDT through the water boy’s table going to make He Hate Me forget his grandkids name for the last 7 years of his life? You betchya. But as the league trends towards two hand touch, the XFL remains a staunch proponent of mashed potato brains.

Injuries. Back when men’s men ruled the gridiron, when helmets were leather and opiate addiction was part of the job description, an injury was defined by bones sticking through the skin, Gangrene and anything else that looked like a scene from Saving Private Ryan. Now if the league senses a bout of diharrea you are relegated to the PUP list and honored with Terry Bradshaw telling a worldwide television audience that your 5-3 cover package couldn’t hold back the Hershey squirts from ruining your underpants. The XFL subscribes to dad rules: “walk it off and don’t let your mother see you crying” after he let you do something that would be deemed questionable parenting by social services.

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What is a catch? Sub-section 4.7 Part A of the NFL Handbook defines a catch as the act of the player therein, receiving in his possession said regulation NFL football inflated to exactly 12.5 pounds and maintaining said possession for at least .8 seconds without any indication of lack of possession theretofore. Or something like that. In the XFL, Medieval Times rules are if affect: if you can rip the ball from your lifeless opponents body, it’s yours for the taking.

Fan voting. For every diharrea inducing ill that Buffalo Wild Wings does the world dirty, they more than paid it back with this timeless classic:

The fan experience should be more than Raider faithful sacrificing virgins in the stands. Vince will cut Ryan Seacrest a 7 figure check and get his proprietary voting features implemented. The clap-o-meter will determine out of bounds plays and Twitter polls will decide penalties.

Hardknocks, always. An episode of WWE raw is 1 part gay porn, two parts Trump rally and a hearty serving of soap opera. The drama is raw, scripted and more addicting than bath salts to a guy who lives in a van down by the river. If you thought that Paul McRoberts/Jeff Fisher scene was gripping in this season of Hardknocks, just wait until Real Housewives and The Replacments have a baby.

Cheating handled via street justice. Tom Brady would think twice about under inflating if he was going to meet the swift justice of steel chairs in the hands of the Colts D-line backstage. It’s tough to act ‘hard’ in your UGG moccasins when you’re crying on the floor because Pac Man Jones just beat you with a bar of soap in a tube sock. And there will be no need to bother the superior court with such petty matters under McMahon’s regime.

Gambling. There are 3 ways to bet on the NFL: you can lose to some guy in his MIT dorm room on DFS, play traditional fantasy wth your coworkers or find a bookie who doubles as your weed dealer. So basically you can be the casino in that movie 21, have to listen to your coworker try to trade rape you from the handicap stall or get threatening FB messages from a bookie moonlighting as a white rapper. Or you can grab a $17 Bud Heavy, $32 Chicken Finger basket and take the over on the Bandits/Outlaws game. Gambling on XFL games wouldn’t just be legal, it would put Indian casinos out of business. Their sacred burial ground, and moral grey area isn’t the only Trail of Tears, just take a look at the line for the men’s room after an XFL playoff loss.

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