Karl Becker (NOT to be confused with Ken Bone) is the hero that America needs. For Christ’s sake, he’s the hero the world needs. Israeli-Palestinian conflict? Over. Hatfields and McCoys? Chatting at dinner parties over Duck (Dynasty) confit. Starbucks vs. Dunkin Donuts fans? Water under the bridge. A shiny turd in a pile of manure, Becker’s question put an exclamation point on the live action Michael Vick dog fight we all tuned into last night.
A match made in heaven
Like a love child of Danny Tanner and Richard Simmons, he ended this metaphorical episode of Full House with a touching lesson set to cliche 90’s music while giving us the hope a 300 pound woman could only get from “Sweating to the 80’s.”
The debate we witnessed last night was nothing short of a Fight Club action scene without all the underlying anti-establishment bullshit that every millennial pretends to understand in college to justify that poster of Brad Pitt with a bar of soap:
And I guess that makes Becker, Bob (er, Robert Paulson).
Karl might not have bitch tits but he took America in for a big, sweaty bear hug that we so desperately needed. And not the way we need participation trophies and 7th place ribbons. The way we need to know that there is some hope for humanity.
Of course Karl, will be forever immortalized with a Snapchat filter that will shoot hearts from your eyes and spew compliments like Woody in Toy Story blurts out Wild West cliches. He will presumably be interviewed by a brazenly drunk Kathy Lee and will be a GIF until the end of the end of internet history.
But when the smoke clears, and the dust settles in the cock fighting ring that has become the 2016 presidential election, Karl will remain the voice of a generation, even if it isn’t his own. With the couth of an elementary school principal and the jacket of a used car salesmen, Karl more or less asked what every millennial has been wondering since roughly July: “what the fuck is wrong with the two of you?”
An unlikely hero
With a can-do attitude and a name that screams “I take a thermos to work down at the factory,” we need more people like Karl. And I’m not talking about the guy who smells like cat piss that takes ecstasy and offers free hugs outside of Walmart, I’m talking about a guy who calls bullshit. His masterful performance was like that scene in Independence Day where the alien takes over Dr. Okun’s voice, except we’re the aliens and Becker might ACTUALLY save the world.
So today on behalf of millennials around the U.S., I salute you Karl for saying what everyone has been tweeting for months. For having a set of balls that would make Patrick Ewing blush. And most importantly for not wasting your question on something along the lines of “bringing manufacturing jobs back to the rust belt” at the urging of the boys down at the plant.