PacNet: I have Zero Sympathy for Anyone Bamboozled By Mail Fraud

In the throes of procrastination, your brain will do funny things. Things like finding your inner 13 year hijack your fingers and begin typing the first five letters of redtube.com into your browser before realizing you’re at your fancy office job. Or meandering the bowels of Wikipedia like a bottom feeder who preys on conspiracy theories and anecdotal information for sustenance.

A few days ago right after ravenously consuming content on The Onion like Pac Man after a hit of the devils lettuce and right before firing up TOR to see what I could get into on the deep web, I found myself on CNN.com reading one of those long-read investigative pieces with graphics and quotes for emphasis that only your grandparents have time to finish. You know, the type of stories they have on ESPN that read like the script of a Bob Ley “Outside the Lines” episode and are a chronological clusterf*ck to throw you off the scent of a bad story. If they were SportsCenter segments, they’d be precluded by “My Wish” by Rascal Flatts.

This particular 20,000 word essay was dedicated to some company called PactNet that committeed all sorts of fraud. But not the sexy, Wolf of Wall Street type of fraud. They committed mail fraud. The prune juice of frauds.The cottage cheese of chicanery. Basically they processed the cash and other payments for companies that dabble in the snail mail equivalent of the Nigerian Prince email scam. It targets mostly old people and to answer your question, yes this could have easily been a 10 minute segment on American Greed that you get sucked into after binging Shark Tank on CNBC (instead of a 7 part tour de force). Or for the visual learners out there …

But that’s neither here nor there. My issue is that people are ACTUALLY getting scammed by these types of frauds. C’Mon Man and SMDH could have a baby and it still wouldn’t do justice to the violent visceral reaction I felt while reading about these nameless Trump supporters. These people are more gullible than a freshman dating the senior quarterback who just wants to take her to make out point “to talk.”

The international manhunt shouldn’t be to corral these wolves in sheep clothing, it should be to round up all of the stupid people, put them on the island of misfit morons and burn the bridge as we leave. You don’t have to be a Mensa member to see through the old Craigslist bait and switch. According to science, there seems to be a large overlap between these “victims” and those involved in UFO and/or Bigfoot sightings. Curious, curious indeed.

Listen, I’ve been bamboozeled with the best of them: ripped off in an online baseball card trade gone awry at the age of 12 by some dude whose profile picture looked like a supporting actor in an episode of Law and Order SVU with a plot based on Jerry Sandusky, (jokes on him, he’s stuck with a worthless Mark McGwire used bat card), purchased those “80% OFF RAY-BANS!!!” (and almost lost my eye sight because of it) and been tom-fooled by a Chris Angel stunt more times thank I’d like to admit.

But like Kelly Clarkson says, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Now I’m more vigilante than Donald Trump at a Islamic American convention. I’ve got eyes in the back of my head, and I am sure as hell not looking for pity for having lapses in judgement that would make Aaron Hernandez’s decisions seem like that of a choir boy.

So if you’re looking for sympathy, go call your mom. If you’re looking for empathy, make and appointment with your shrink. And if you’re looking for swift justice, take a ticket, because the justice department has a laundry list of banditos to drag to the gallows before they give even half a fuck about you be taken for everything in your double-wide.