When you have an extremely productive week at work, you really feel pretty great about it. You’re getting complements from the boss, the satisfaction of a hard days work, and realize that maybe your father was wrong about you for all of these years. But there is a downside. You may have your father’s approval finally, but you also missed everything that was going on in the infinite universe of porn and racism that is the internet. Here is your weekly recap:
Obama keepin’ it real
I am on record as not being a Macklemore guy. I didn’t hate him back in 2009 when I first heard him, but he proceeded to get cornier and cornier as the years went on. So corny, in fact, that he did a commercial with Russel Wilson’s virgin ass. If there’s anyone in Washington that knows hip hop, it’s Joe Biden. So I know that this is probably not the actual conversation that happened between Macklemore and Obama, but there is a small piece of me that thinks that this is actually what was said. I am a sucker for photos being captioned, Macklemore getting dunked on, and old white guys listening to hip hop. RATING: B+
The Zucc is thicc
By all accounts Mark Zuckerberg is a pretty good dude. I never saw The Social Network, so I can’t be 100 percent sure. The guy donates a bunch of money and wants to give Africa wifi, so he can’t be that bad. Earlier this week he jumped on his own product, Facebook Live, to do a little Q+A session. Being the mature, rational crowd that Facebook users are, they asked Mark to give them the Zucc. Poor Mark is left hanging. Has no clue what the Zucc is. Here’s a hint Mark. Zucc kinda sounds like suck. Also sounds like fuck. Your name, when shortened can be made to have a sexual connotation. Give the people what they want Mark. Hit us with the Zucc. I love really smart people looking stupid. RATING: B
The Facebook Hoax
There are some incredibly stupid people online. Access to the internet is as simple as a dipshit with an iPhone. If the internet is a microcosm of humanity, then Facebook is herpes. Everyone has it in one form or another. There is literally no barrier to entry on Facebook, and that means that you’re going to have the widest variety of idiots at your fingertips. It’s like going to a farmer’s market that only sells deformed fruit. You hang around because some of them are really funny to look at, but at the end of the day you wish that someone would burn the place down and put them out of their misery. This hoax is one of the dumber ones that makes its rounds on Facebook every 6 months. Three things about this hoax are true: Facebook has been a public entity for about 4 years now. The Rome Statute was the law that allowed the UN to establish an international criminal court. And if you share it, you should be removed from society and sent to an island in the South Pacific because you are actually too stupid to share the air with the rest of us. RATING: F
The Bone Zone
Ken Bone took the internet by storm. He was a goofy fat guy that got some national TV burn during the second debate. His question was fairly intelligent, he was wearing an Izod sweater, and his shirt and tie combo was that of a middle schooler at his first dance. A real American hero. There has never been a truer tweet than this one. The man looked like someone cast a Frosty the Snowman spell on a police composite sketch done by a person that had been assaulted by a Guess Who? character. Perfect definition of Kenny Bone. Rating: A.
Author’s note: The Ken Bone tweet was collected before Ken sold out and his seedy past as a Redditor was unearthed. I am sick and tired of this motherfucker. He’s everywhere and I can’t get away from him. More to come on that. Stay tuned.