Fashion Foreword: Suspenders Aren’t Cool, Bro

You will never, ever, ever, ever look like Don Draper, no matter how expensive your suspenders are.

Because what kind of lifestyle blog would we be without a straight fashion guru who has owned the same 7 shirts for the past 3 years? Let’s find out …

This one goes out to the Mr. Peanut in Training who I caught on the train wearing steam-punk inspired business casual …

There are 3 kinds of people who can wear suspenders: firefighters, male strippers and your grand-pa-pa who came from an “old country” whose tyrannical government confiscated all the belts. Or something like that. I’ll even allow for what I’ll call “Chris Christie exemption status”, reserved for those who’ve had failed gastric bypass surgery and whose orbit-sized guts defy the laws of physics and therefore, belts. But that’s it. Unless you’re saving lives, starring in Magic Mike or are one of the Ryan brothers, there are no ifs, ands or buts about it.

I’m looking at you entitled, post-college entry level CPA on Metro North. Sure, that bow tie and suspender one-two punch killed it at the Kentucky Derby party, and drew the attention of that 20-something, divorcee bridesmaid at cousin Doug’s wedding, but it’s time to retire them. Like forever, not just until you find another occasion to bust them out.

There is a fine line between peacocking your way to an over the pants hand job on St. Patty’s day and being the “RE:” in more than one gossip email floating around the office. As your performance wanes, your legacy will simply become that guy in the suspenders … who batted .000 with 2 intern classes.

So do yourself a favor, unless you’re traveling in 3rd class on the Titanic and plan to convince an old money heiress to fall in love with you, or are attending a steam punk convention, ditch the pant bungee cords. Have some respect for the game, and leave your pocket watch, monocle and other Charlie Chaplin regalia at home, unless you plan on endorsing a nationally recognized peanut brand.

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Remember, George Zimmer never told anyone in suspenders “you’ll like the way you look, I guarantee it.” So get yourself a Patagonia tech vest and a Van Heusen non-iron shirt with the color coordinated tie and call it a wardrobe.

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Remember you can’t spell suspenders without “sus.”

That is all.

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