Farting is a natural thing. And so is dating and being around your significant other for an extended period of time. It’s human nature that at some point, in your quest for domestic zen, that these two major life events will cross paths. So what do you do when you have to release some gastric pressure around someone you’ve just started dating? You like this guy/girl, things seem to be going well, but there comes a time where something’s gotta give, and oh, what a stressful moment it can be.
Farting is seen as a taboo subject in this society. I have to say that I agree. Farts are gross. You’re blasting poop particles out of your ass and contaminating the air of everyone around you. Pretty nasty, huh? That’s beside the point though. Everyone (minus the entire female population in my mind LALALALALA) does it, so it’s important that you’re prepared for when you get to this major step in your relationship.
So if it’s going to happen, when is the right time?
The key here is making sure that you have established yourself in the relationship. There is a sweet spot for timing up the perfect fart. Unless you’re a gambling man, and have a good chunk of change riding on the under, you want to wait long enough so that the fart won’t be a deal-breaker. If you’re not quite “official” yet, and your SO has the opportunity to cut things off completely with you, then it’s a little too early. You don’t want to leave the opportunity to get ghosted over a little backdoor wind action. That leaves everyone desiring more. You start to second guess everything in your life. What if I had waited to fart? What if I never threw that interception in states junior year? What if I had told people about that drifter I ran over in New Hampshire? See? It’s a slippery slope that nobody wants to go down.
Waiting too long is also a dangerous game, however. If you wait too long, you’ve established precedent. Your girl is probably sneaking into the bathroom and running the water to let off some steam out the window like an angst filled teen smoking their first cigarette. They spray a little febreeze, fan things out with a towel, and call it a day. What daddy don’t know don’t hurt him. But now this becomes your responsibility as well. You have to go to extreme lengths to mask your gas. You become a Russian spy behind enemy lines, and your every fart a correspondence back to the Kremlin. If those filthy Americans (read: your girlfriend) catch you, they’ll make an example of you, Cold War II will start and you, my friend, will never hear the end of it.
Find the sweet spot
I’d say, to be safe, that you give it long enough that you’re comfortable around each other, but not quite so long that you have established a no-fart-zone. Maybe after you’ve met the parents, if you want to get really specific. That seems like a good time, right? If they’re going to dump you over it, at least make sure Mr. and Mrs. are asking what happened to you.
When you get to the right timing, you’ll need a way to let the gas come naturally. Here’s a time-tested technique that you might try to help things go smoothly:
The I didn’t do it
Picture it. You and the lady are sitting at home. You don’t want to spend too much money and don’t really feel like going out. It’s a nice quiet night in. You dim the lights, and fire up your favorite rom com and snuggle up under a warm blanket. Now here’s the key, the fart has to be extremely quiet. No noise, no movement. Just let it sneak right out. The stink should reach you both at the same time, and that’s when your acting skills come into play. It is absolutely key that you never ever admit guilt. It’s your word versus her’s. Never give up, never surrender. Make up lies. Maybe the dog did it, maybe they opened a new water treatment plant next door, maybe someone left a hard-boiled egg under the couch for a few weeks. That’s the cleaning lady’s fault, not yours. As long as you never admit guilt, the fart never happened.
There you have it. Take it or leave it, I don’t care. Just know that once you open the floodgates, it’s mutually assured destruction. There will be nuclear flatulence fired back and forth until nothing is left standing. Know that is what you have to look forward to, and act accordingly. Your finger is on the button. Good Luck.
P.S. 800 words on farting, making mama proud