I just finished watching an Instagram video (thanks Vine for forcing me to one form of social media…) where Amy Schumer cons everyone into voting by using the concept of #FOMO and social obligations. And while I love Amy Schumer for many reasons, I have to disagree on this one. Because there are SO many reasons you shouldn’t vote …
1. If you’re an idiot.
If you weren’t accepted to your local community college, and also weren’t simultaneously a genius that was too smart to worry about conventional education, please don’t vote. Only Matt Damon can pull off that prodigy janitor gig, and if you didn’t make it into your local joke of an educational system based on standardized merits, you aren’t qualified to choose who leads this country.
2. If you watch more reality TV than you do CNN
When The Bachelor, Keeping up with the Kardashians, and Real Housewives comprise 100% of your DVR, you should lose your right to choose who controls 4,360 nuclear warheads. Own the fact that you value pop culture over the North Dakota pipeline controversy, and move the fuck on.
3. If your decision in this election has been reached via Facebook rants and sassy memes.
Do. Your. Research. Should you actually make it to the polls this Tuesday, you should be required to pass a test on the actual policies of each candidate. I’m not just talking the god-awful Presidential election, I mean Betty from down the street who’s running for a school board where you have no children. If you don’t know what platform a candidate is running on: DON’T VOTE.
4. If you have ever claimed, “I’m moving to Canada if candidate X wins this election”, and actually meant it.
Clearly, you don’t have a full grasp on this whole checks and balances system; refer to point 1, 2, and 3 for further reinforcement. The presidential election is only one of MANY races, and everyone has an impact. If you’re not quite at functioning adult level, and didn’t pass high school political science with better than a C, just binge House of Cards- you may kind of get this one by the end.
5. If you’re a woman and you think you should vote for Trump.
There’s no excuse for this. My career is mostly based in/around college athletic’s locker rooms, and I’ve never had someone threaten to grab my pussy. Rape culture is beyond terrifying, and if you vote for Trump, as a woman, you’re basically saying go ahead and verbally (if not sexually) assault me. This is not a drill, sarcasm, or otherwise; you are condoning assault.
So if you don’t meet one of the five above criteria, congrats! You may one day do better than that double wide you’re on the trajectory for and are permitted to get your ass to the polls on Tuesday.