Congratulations Cubs fans you just won the World Series! (and by that I mean guys who you never met who probably would have stuffed you in a locker in high school won a World Series) Now Sports Illustrated can sell you a commemorative baseball emblazoned with a picture of Anthony Rizzo’s fat melon head and a t-shirt with a clever pun about flying the W that only a true fan would get. But let’s be honest, the only real winners here are the kids in 3rd world countries getting Indians 2016 World Series Championship shirts and hats.
As your Wrigleyville sausage hangover settles in and hot stove talk about the Yankees poaching the Cubs young talent gets Skip Bayless’ panties in a bunch on the fastest growing sports talk show in America, the window of opportunity begins to close on that Championship gear. You know the $27.00 t-shirt that you sat in a new-iPhone-release type line to get your hands on … only to find out they ran out of your size. After roughly this weekend, it is NOT ok to rock Championship swag. Quit living in the past, and do like a real fan: put Kris Bryant’s near-disaster last out in your spankbank for next time you’re in the throes of passion behind an overweight White Sox fan with a mean overbite or get into bar fights in Cleveland while singing the Cubs victory song until spring training starts.
It may be a harsh reality but no one likes the clothing equivalent of T-Pain and Lonely Island’s “I Just Had Sex.” Your parent’s taught you more humility than that. Go ahead, wear that pit-stained, mustard soiled Kerry Wood jersey proudly, but kindly store your championship gear next to that 9th place high school Cross Country trophy. (what is Cross Country anyways?)
So from now on, those championship shirts are relegated to being gym attire, “happy” towels or are to be re-purposed as a wick to light the malotov cocktail aimed for Bartman’s window. And this doesn’t just apply to Cubs fans. The proud wearers of 2004 Tampa Bay Rays AL Wild Card Champ sweatshirts at the Boca Vista retirement home and the trailer park boys celebrating Pat Summit’s first National Championship in 1994 with a commemorative camo hat are guilty too.
And then there are Yankee fans. Especially the geriatric variety who refuse to acknowledge eminent domain and hold out on selling their delicatessen to that hip co-op that’s trying to gentrify the “old neighborhood” in the Bronx. They are likely Italian and definitely smell of prosciutto. And just in case we forgot, they wear a pin for each Yankees championship on the Velcro hat they bought during Lou Gehrig’s final game. Unless you work at TGI Friday’s, no one should be wearing that much flair.
You heard it here first folks, I’ll hit an old man in public.
Whatever you do, don’t hold onto the past. So Cubs fans, get rowdy, get weird and don’t worry about vomiting all over that World Series Championship this weekend, because it will be forever relegated to the bottom of your hamper.