Make her/him want to quit the job in five easy steps
piss off your barista

There are a myriad of reasons why you may not like someone whose job it is to provide you with a recurring service, like your postal carrier, your local newspaper sports editor, your trash collector, etc. If you feel like your life would be better if said individual was replaced by anyone who could obviously do the job better, there are some actions you can take to get her/him to quit on her/his own.

Your Barista

Nothing does a more thorough job of ensuring a terrible start to the work week than going to your coffee shop of choice on a Monday morning and getting a drink that has zero of the elements that you verbally specified when you placed your order. Isn’t that the entire purpose of the conversation you had with the person who pushed the buttons and asked you if you wanted a receipt? What’s more, isn’t getting your desired beverage the sole purpose for your visit to the establishment?

If you’re tired of spending your Monday morning commute already fuming inside because of the incompetence of the person working at your café of choice, there are five easy steps you can take to make the person abdicate the coffee throne.

Only Use Four Words When You Order

Those four words being, of course, “I’ll have my usual.” As everyone knows, coffee shops rarely ever have new employees. Even in those rare circumstances, they should account for these situations because of your loyalty. The smart coffee shop owner keeps a log with regular customers’ photos and their exact orders on hand, so their new employees can memorize those “usuals.” If a barista doesn’t know how to make your drink exactly to suit your individual taste, it isn’t because he/she isn’t informed. It’s clearly a lack of commitment to the job.

Assume that Every Coffee Shop Uses the Same Language

It’s common knowledge that Starbucks sets the standard for coffee vernacular universally. Every establishment that trades coffee for money makes their beverages in Tall, Grande and Venti sizes. A grande caramel macchiato is the same everywhere, despite the fact that if you add caramel to a macchiato, it ceases to be a macchiato.

If you order a Venti Chestnut Praline Frappucino at your locally-owned coffeehouse, any and every barista should not only know exactly what that is but how to make it. A deficiency in either of those areas is a clear sign that the barista is incompetent, and it’s your duty as the customer to inform her/him of her/his failure.

Demand Your Drink Be Made with the Least Common Milk Substitute

You aren’t lactose intolerant, but the barista doesn’t have to know that. Almond or soy milk won’t do for you either. In order to maximize your potential to frustrate that entitled millenial who doesn’t want to work for a paycheck, demand something more exotic.

If the café does happen to have cashew milk, next time try requiring them to produce coconut milk. In the rare case that they have cashew and coconut milk, move on to rice milk. If they think they are being sly by stocking cashew, coconut and rice milk, then hit them with the coup de grâce, the ultra-rare hemp milk.

If the coffee shop doesn’t stock a dairy alternative that most people don’t even know exists, that’s an unforgivable omission. Someone needs to go.

Respond to a Multiple-Choice Question with an Answer That Isn’t One of the Choices

Many specialty drinks come with options at cafés. Milk or dark chocolate syrup, sugar or Splenda, hot or iced, etc. If the idiotic louse is competent enough to inform you of your options when you order a drink, he/she has walked right into your trap.

When you are asked whether you want milk or dark chocolate, reply with the word “regular.” It’s their job to guess what that means. No matter which syrup you get, return to the bar and inform the barista that it was the wrong regular, demand the drink be re-made correctly, and angrily belittle the barista to the manager while demanding recompense for your inconvenience.

Refuse to Acknowledge the Humanity of Your Barista

When it comes time to pay for your drink, don’t look her/him in the eye and just hold out your payment. Don’t speak to her/him beyond what is absolutely necessary to place your order. Above all, do not tip. Their job is one of the easiest tasks ever. All they do is push buttons on a machine. It would actually probably be better if they would take out the baristas altogether and make the entire process automated.

If you follow these simple steps, it’s a sure thing that in no time you will be floating on air while, animated songbirds cheerfully swoop around you as you enjoy the perfect beverage. The incompetent barista is the only thing standing between you and perpetual bliss.


Voted No. 8 in The 14 Least Masterful Masters of the Universe, which means I am a more masterful master than King Hiss, who is No. 11. If you're more masterful than a king, you're really running the show, bishes.
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  • cn92858nt7xmwcntw45ctwxtert4
    29 May 2017 at 1:59 pm


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