Hillary is already deciding whether the carpets should match the drapes at the White House and the First Gentlemen is prowling LinkedIn for intern candidates proficient in stain removal and well-versed in Cigar Aficionado.
Prevailing minds say that the Donald will parlay his new Twitter followers and legions of monster truck rallying faithful into a TV network a la Breitbart where he can grab Tomi Lahren by the lady bits on the reg. But before he can do that, he’s got to face his his post-election day head on …
7:08 AM: Wakes up. Slowly lifts covers and finds himself fully flaccid. Remembers he forgot Cialis For Daily Use.
7:09 – 7:12 AM: Stares blankly at gold plated ceiling pursing lips and furrowing brows, testing previous day Botox injection.
7:13 AM: Arises fully naked. Melania hasn’t slept in the same room since first Clinton administration. Slips on Trump International Chicago gold plated slippers and robe presented at grand opening by Dennis Rodman and then wife, Carmen Electra. Smirks at thought of Carmen’s breasts.
7:15 AM: Short Segway ride to his 3rd favorite bathroom in the palatial estate: “My Cousin Vinny” themed bathroom. Mutters, ” Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the most bigoted of them all.”
7:15 – 7:21 AM: Boards indoor 1:36 scale steam train purchased from Neverland Ranch at Michael Jackson’s estate sale. Blows horn at Melania as she returns from workout. Stops at window to call “Mexican” landscaper (he’s actually Ecuadorian) a “rapist.”
7:22 AM: Arrives in kitchen. Opens fridge and freezer, only sees Jimmy Dean sausages (Note: Jimmy Dean was a huge supporter). Eats two Dean-wiches.
7:25 AM: Assistant Kathy (former Swedish model) arrives to remind Donald of his schedule. He doesn’t listen, fondles her inappropriately instead.
7:31 AM: Text from Ted Nungent:”2nd amendment. Guns don’t kill people. Catch you at our meeting with David Duke!”
7:31 – 8:16 AM: Melania arrives. Makes small talk in broken English to Donald. Donald doesn’t pay attention as he tries to find funny meme to send Ted on the group text.
8:30 – 9:00 AM: Donald is submerged into a vat of self-Tanner colored serpentine that guarantees perfect shade of orange and pruning.
9:01 AM: Sees 34 unread texts in group message with Koch Brothers and Paul Manafort. Ignores them, thinks about his daughter naked. Cialis for Daily Use starting to kick in.
9:42 AM: Maid walks in with Bat Phone (no seriously, it’s the real Bat Phone gifted by Adam West to Donald). It’s Hillary.
9:45 AM: Donald quietly picks up and doesn’t say anything …
Hillary: “Donald, I could hear you breathing that whole time. You really need to publicly announce you accept …”
Cuts her off. “Hey Hillary … [MAKES LOUD FART NOISE INTO PHONE].” Hangs up.
10:15 – 11:34 AM: Ignores 3 more calls from Hillary while calling contestants for a show he invented yesterday: “Celebrity Congress.” He and Ken Bone compare notes on JLaws butthole for roughly 25 minutes.
11:56 AM: Somewhere in Texas Jeb bush makes jerk off motion towards TV when Donald Trump is pictured.
12:01 PM: Donald begins writing thank you note to Vladimir Putin. Gets distracted by shiny red pen.
12:02 – 12:07 PM: Starts foaming at the mouth, steam coming from ears when someone mentions Hillary.
12:15 PM: Google searches “anthrax” and “White House address”
12:16 – 12:25 PM: Calls Papa John and asks if he has any appetite for investors.
12:26 – 2:01 PM: Watches “Gran Torino” while Twitter ranting.
2:02 PM: Maid asks if he wants tea. He calls her nasty woman and inexplicably shouts out he “Got a small million dollar loan from his father and made it into an empire.”
2:04 PM: Starts naming Bill Clinton sexual assault accusers. Aide reminds him he ran against Hillary.
2:27 PM: While playing Monopoly, claims he owns Park Place and Broadway before his first turn because “The thimble is the best! I know a lot of Monopoly pieces, and the thimble is the BEST.”
2:32 PM: Flips Monopoly board, claims “No one ever finishes Monopoly Jr. anyways!”
2:36 PM: Watches Planned Parenthood video. Can’t believe an abortion ISN’T a baby being ripped from the womb and stoned to death.
2:44 PM: Clint Eastwood and the Koch brothers come over to tell neighborhood kids to get off their lawn.
3:07 PM: Heard Fox’s “Pitch” was good, checks it out. Vows to deport her.
3:19 PM: Color codes red ties.
3:45 PM: Tells accountant tied up in his basement to put the lotion on the skin.
3:58 PM: Finds out Eminem is white while Wikitripping, downloads entire catalog on Pirate Bay
4:09 PM: His security team asks if he will be riding alone or with Melania to dinner that night. He states “I’m with her”. Everyone in the room cringes, Donald is confused.
4:11 PM: Newt Gingrich sends a picture of a large turd, with meme “Our country.”
4:20 PM: Trump uses Megyn Kelly toilet paper to wipe asshole. Made it one ply to remind himself how much of a pain in the ass she is.
4:21 PM: Elsewhere, Rudy Giuliani and Chris Christie eat at the Olive Garden in Time Square and reminisce about how cool of a guy Ben Carson was.
4:37 PM: Write Julian Assange thank you notes.
5:16 PM: Rushes past aides when doorbell rings assuming he won Publishers Clearing House. He can be heard yelling “big check, big check” as he runs down the corridor.
5:22 PM – 11:59 PM: Lies motionless in bed after early bird special at Golden Corral. Aides no longer feel the need to force feed him uppers.