President Trump

5 Lessons Every Corporate American Can Learn from President Trump

Sure he’s racists. Sure he’s sexist. And you can bet your first born that he’d grab your main chick and your side piece by the pussy with no buyer’s remorse. But maybe, just maybe he is just the guy we need to “Make Corporate America Great Again!” Hear me out …

1. Grind Gears …

Sure shit flows down hill and its easy to wait at the bottom with puppy dog eyes for management to throw you the scraps of the bonus they chewed off the metaphorical bone. But Trumpster fire used his incendiary rhetoric and abrasive nature to create friction that sparked the fire in people’s belly. And I suggest you do that same. No one gets rewarded for “going with the flow really well” and “being the best pushover this office has to offer.” Challenge the status quo, question your bosses motives and ruffle feathers to disrupt office politics as usual whenever possible.

2. Human Resources …

The PC police called from the locker they just got stuffed in and are starting to change their mind. These narcs are running for the hills now that Donald J. is commander-in-chief. He didn’t shy away from controversy and making his opinions known, so why should you? Hate Juan in accounting? Build a wall of TPC reports around his desk (power-user tip: don’t forget to use thumbtacks and paper clips as barbed wire). Sick of all the unattractive “nasty women” heating up their Lean Cuisines in the kitchenette? Heckle them with words like “fatty, fat, f*ck” or “ma’m you can’t park your van here” or pretend to be on the phone with SeaWorld exclaiming “one of your whales escaped!” And when you get called in by the Office Safety Officer for an “Interpersonal Evaluation”, you’ll have the ultimate Trump card …

VIDEO FRAME GRAB: In this 2005 frame from video, Donald Trump prepares for an appearance on 'Days of Our Lives' with actress Arianne Zucker (center). He is accompanied to the set by Access Hollywood host Billy Bush. (Obtained by The Washington Post via Getty Images)

3. Work-Life balance …

Tired of lying to Doris about what you did during her obligatory “what did you do this weekend?” rounds? Take a page right out of Donny Politics book: tell it like it is. Go off prompter and delve into gory war stories about Plan B purchases, syphilis scares and how you basically turn into Pablo Escobar on Friday and Saturday. Donald Trump, the man, didn’t put on a politicians mask to win the White House, so why should you put on a polished pair of sheep’s clothing when tending to the flock Monday through Friday.

4. Be ready for anything …

The geniuses on Wall Street have yet again proven to be the smartest guy in the room. The market tumbled on the news of Trump’s impending victory and eventual triumph. They weren’t ready but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be. And I’m not talking about crossing every T and dotting every I in that pitch to Vandalay Industries. Always have a bail out bag ready metaphorically and literally. Just like you’ll never know when impromptu Happy Hours will turn into late-nights at the intern housing, you never know when you’ll end up like Hillary Clinton …

5. If you wish upon a star …

Whether you want to be a real boy or need to be this tall to ride the loopty-loop at Six Flags, always remember the story of little Donny Trump and his bid for presidency. Like the Little Engine Who Could, he convinced himself and enough lunch-pail, salt of the earth minions that he could, and he did. So whether you want that promotion you don’t deserve or dreaming of ruling an empire of dirt, remember whether the is a will, there is a way.