Holy. Fucking. Shit. Tuesday night, the outcome we all feared but never truly thought was possible came true; a nightmare bursting forth into reality like Freddy Krueger crashing a sorority party with a chainsaw for a dick. As much as my fingers resist typing the words, Donald Trump is going to be the next President of the United States, and with a Republican Congress and a Supreme Court vacancy still in play, the butthole-churning possibilities are endless. A lot of people are justifiably beside themselves with grief, wondering how our new POTUS plans to out-fuckface Game of Thrones’ King Joffrey, and in their despair they seek to offer a scapegoat for the slaughter. But who’s truly to blame?
Millennials on Social Media
If you’re anything like me, the months, weeks and days leading up to election night became an ass-first slalom through a gauntlet of razor blade dildos for you. As is tradition every four years in America, the armchair political scientists came out of the woodwork to bark like horny elephant seals, and social media became a wasteland of nauseating political rhetoric and petty backbiting between friends. And what good did it accomplish? While Millennials were busy tanking relationships on Facebook for the sake of political ideology, the dirt farmers in Gudger County, Utah—more stubborn and willful than any Brooklyn hipster with a mean set of mutton chops—bought Trump’s message hook, line and sinker. Perhaps all that time and energy would’ve been better spent putting boots on the ground instead of hands down the pants, if’n you catch my meaning. You really wanna make a difference for your candidate? Volunteer for the campaign. Activism is a noble pursuit in practice, but posting a selfie with your ballot and encouraging all your Facebook pals to get out and vote is about as useful as coming across a ten-car pile up on the freeway and shouting, “LOOOOOK!”
The Mainstream Media
When Trump burst onto the scene, the mainstream media categorically dismissed him as a baby-handed carnival freak with little momentum and zero staying power. Then he bodied Jeb Bush like Goldberg squashing a kitten and suddenly, there was blood in the water. But even once Trump had secured his party’s nomination, people refused to take him seriously. How could he even have a prayer of defeating a seasoned politician like Hillary Clinton? The mainstream media really showed its ass this election cycle. In treating Trump as nothing more than a bad flare up of genital warts, journalists and pundits alike underestimated the appeal of an anti-establishment demagogue who knew just how to pander to the dumb and disenfranchised. Personalities as different as Megyn Kelly and John Oliver gave Trump all the free press his little bridge troll heart could’ve desired, all without truly challenging his positions or exposing him. And don’t get me started on Fallon. That giggly little bitch made Trump look as harmless and adorable as an untrained labradoodle, and no amount of “rockin’ out” on the xylophone with Adele is going to make up for that.
The role Gary Johnson, Jill Stein and the rest of the also-rans played in determining this election is more shades of grey (dare I say…fifty? Ya know, one for each state? I’ll see myself out) than a case of clear-cut chaos. In crucial states such as Florida and Pennsylvania, the margin of victory between Trump and Clinton was razor thin—a difference of roughly 100,000 votes in Florida, for instance, where Gary “What’s Aleppo?” Johnson scooped up 204,818 votes. So, yes, third party votes technically cost Clinton Florida, but here’s the thing: to blame third party candidates for her loss assumes Clinton was the rightful choice, not just the lesser of two evils. Better than Trump? In my opinion, sure. But talk to the millions of red-hatted frat dicks and rednecks who pulled the lever for The Donald and they’ll tell you justice was served (technically, they’ll hurl a Mountain Dew bottle full of diarrhea at you and call you a cuck, but we’re splitting hairs). All this is to say, you can’t really get angry with people for voting third party or sitting this election out if Hillary Clinton didn’t accurately represent their views. The next time there’s a referendum on oxygen consumption and an overwhelming number of people start voting for a candidate who wants mandatory dry cleaning bag helmets for all, maybe resist the fucking urge to go third party and split the vote.
The DNC/Hillary Clinton
If it sounds like I’m wailing on Clinton too hard, don’t mistake me for being pro-Trump; the man is a creamsicle-colored catastrophe with the fate of the free world in his underdeveloped little raccoon hands. But a Clinton victory was entirely dependent on her strength as a candidate, and her campaign didn’t do enough to convince voters all along the spectrum that she was the clear choice for the job. The Democratic National Committee and Debbie Wasserman Schultz didn’t do Clinton any favors—even though that’s exactly what they were trying to do—when they colluded to bully Bernie Sanders out of the race. Once they finished pistol-whipping the only true Progressive running for the Democratic nomination, did they make any attempt to woo his supporters and unite the party? Mmmm, nope, I’m pretty sure they told us to grow up, get in line, hold our noses and prepare for a heaping helping of Hillary. Clinton is the political equivalent of Leonardo DiCaprio at the Oscars; she keeps trying to win without making any meaningful changes, and expects to clinch the damn thing simply because she shows up. At least Leo finally snapped his streak. Maybe the secret to success is getting mauled by a bear and freezing your ass off in subzero temperatures. Or maybe do more to court disenfranchised voters of color than tell Killer Mike to take a flying fuck at a rolling donut.
Racists, Sexists & Xenophobes (a.k.a Trump Voters)
There’s a popular sentiment going around that “hate won” this election. This is only part of the truth. Stupidity got a nice W, too. As did fear, disenfranchisement and billionaires who can barely palm an apricot. There’s absolutely no denying that Trump voters got “woke” to how hip it is to be an unrepentant sack of pig vomit, and they came out in droves to support the man who made racism and sexism an acceptable hobby. There’s literally no defense of a Trump vote. Voting Trump out of protest against the establishment is like shitting yourself to death unless your crush finally surrenders to your advances; “party loyalty” is a fucking laughable excuse when your party is built on the tears of Muslims and trans youth; and if you voted for Trump because he “tells it like it is,” you’re a fucking fool and I’ve got a bridge I’d love to sell you. The Trump vote is a violent, bowel-puckering reaction to an increasingly PC culture with noble intentions and little tact. It’s absolutely fucking ridiculous to browbeat people into replacing “fat” or “obese” with “person of size,” and most intelligent, free-thinking people are secure enough to roll their eyes and move on with their lives. But Trump supporters are weak, small-minded people who need to have their battles fought for them. They’re “offended” by behavior that runs contrary to their precious sensibilities and want there to be legal repercussions for dissent. And these thin-skinned idiots with their fragile egos and absurd fucking red hats have zero concept of irony—everything they hate about the PC left, they have become (but with 80% more bigotry per ounce).
So, where do we go from here? It’s difficult to say what a Trump presidency portends, but it’s hard to imagine it’ll be positive. Trumpers will gloat, and bask in the promise of a future filled with walls and freestyle racism. Clinton supporters will continue to spew platitudes of love on Facebook as an outlet for grief. These are equally self-centered reactions. Now is the time for introspection. Not love, not hate, but serious soul searching for all. Was the election outcome worth the shit slinging and hand wringing? Did we, as individuals, do all we could to sway hearts and minds and build a better America, or did both sides bully and belittle the opposition until neither dared give an inch? Hint: it’s that last one. We’ve got four years to regroup and come to grips with how absolutely shitty we are at this whole “democracy” thing. In the meantime, let’s enjoy our last days with Barry O and hold on to the memories of America before it turned into an episode of South Park.