I set my alarm to wake me up to “Proud to Be An American” by Toby Keith, scoffed down a bowl of Ben and Jerry’s Americone Dream and watched the last 5 minutes of Zero Dark Thirty. Red, White and Blue blood coursed through my all American heart. Star-spangled adrenaline raced through my veins. Patriotic tension pulsed through every fiber in my body. It was go time.
From the moment I arrived at the polling facility, my Patriotic morning-wood went away faster than Mike Pence’s at a gay bar. This was the biggest disappointment in my life since seeing Hoobastank live. Something so patriotic, so symbolic of the great strength of our nation was about as exciting as getting a hand job with sand paper. Here’s why …
Where’s the glamour?
Every Young Republican wet dreams of his first chance to vote for a president who will overturn abortion. These narrow minded, trust fund types dream of donning their finest Armani suit and voting in a booth with red silk curtain and a big lever to physically and metaphorically lock in your vote. Is that so much to ask, America? We have the technology to have Wi-Fi in strip clubs, put men on the moon and swap faces on cell phones but we can’t spend a dime on upgrading voting booths? If the lever and pulley system of the 2000’s was the industrial revolution, the cardboard voting cubicles and scan-tron sheets of today are the Middle Ages.
Get Your Vote Fraud Here!
When you have the Golden Girls manning the door at this Political Party, you’re just asking for ballot stuffing and every millennials favorite: “Walking Dead” voters. Why are we putting the outcome of something as important as an election in the hands of the people who run blood drives and craft fairs? Using a glorified honor system at a polling center is like having mall cops monitor Gathering of the Juggalos. The fool-proof check-in process includes tick-marks and “swearing on my mother’s life.” SMDH.
Can you say archaic?
If only Al Gore had invented a network that would allow humans to interact impersonally via a web of interconnected computers. Hmm. The current voting system uses the same security measures as a high school homecoming king and queen race. And we all saw how well that worked out in Saved by the Bell. Continuing with its high school theme, polling stations use the same technology as standardized testing, which the US government itself credits to ISIS doing better in STEM testing than US students.
Walking into your polling center is a scene right out of the ticket line at the local ADHD convention … where they’re handing out Monster Energy Drinks. There is no distinction between authority figures and janitorial staff and little to no fucks given about proper queues. Maybe a red velvet rope to keep the peace? And then there is a game I like to call “what am I gonna need this for.” For all of the high school dropouts that questioned their teachers point in “learning them those ABCs,” figuring out what line they should be in is more difficult than picking their illegitimate child out of a lineup.
How is it that we have a national holiday that celebrates a man who stole America from the Native Americans and is best observed with half-priced appliances? But we have to go to work on the day that decides the future of our country and by proxy the entire world. No pressure or anything.
Sure the Midwest is mostly gas stations and Tractor Supply stores, but isn’t there a one room public school house they could shut down from not teaching creationism for a day? Polling stations should not be in houses of God or places of commerce. A dying Jesus on the cross shaming you into voting on the abortion ticket is a direct conflict of separation of church and state. And what happens when that video camera at the bank catches you voting for Trump and they deny you the small business loan for the vape emporium you want to open?
Listen I’m not advocating a total overhaul of our current system, but we are the best country in the world, it’s about time we start acting like it. We aren’t a land of Mennonites, it’s ok to vote via an app … using pictures. And maybe, just maybe if we made the process a little more sexy and a little less like the DMV, it’d leave us with a better taste in our mouths and make us more willing to take a half day off from work to run our country into the ground next time.